Ever heard the phrase “in your radiance”? It’s one of Janelle’s favorites and she’s learned that investing time and money in her own radiance is not a luxury, but a necessity. Andrea dishes about her evolution as a shopper and how she now dresses from the inside out. Includes a nod to thrift shopping, TJMaxx, Rising Frequency, Finland and Leave the World Behind. You'll hear:
-What it means to be in your radiance
-Why Andrea sometimes pays people to go to their garage sale
-Some very specific decision-making tools
-How Janelle justified spending $1000 on a coat
-Why less choice makes for a happier human
TRANSCRIPT:
Andrea: Happy solstice, friend.
Janelle: Yes, happy solstice
Andrea: Yay, it's the ending of a year.
Janelle: And the beginning of the light.
Andrea: Yeah, it's been very dark lately. Well, recently, you told me that you had, surprise, seen a movie.
Janelle: Yes, I saw a movie recently. Did you watch it?
Andrea: Yes, I watched it last night. so, what happened is that I told my daughter , Janelle saw the movie. She's like, Janelle saw a movie? That's what she said. She's like, she's not paying attention to everything in my life, but she's paying attention to this apparently. I was like, yeah.
She's like, where'd she see the movie? And I was like, well, she's been visiting her dad a lot. probably watched it together. I'm assuming. Maybe she saw it on the plane, but I don't think she'd watch a movie on the plane either. the movie we're talking about is Leave the World Behind.
Janelle: Correct.
Andrea: On Monday, Janelle, you mentioned it and said, Yeah, I'm still thinking about it. I saw it a few days ago. So, my daughter and I watched it last night. And, we stopped it to discuss things so many times. Like, it took us over three hours to watch it. was amazing. It inspired all these interesting conversations. Very deep, very meaningful. And, yeah, and I'm really still thinking about it this morning.
Janelle: It's a Netflix movie, in case anyone needs to know what platform to watch these things on.
Andrea: Yes, it was on Netflix and it was, executive produced by the Obamas. Julia Roberts, Ethan Hawke, old friends of mine, clearly, so that was a nice familiarity. And yeah, the camera shots, the camera angles, OMG.
Janelle: Was incredible.
Andrea: And it takes place in New York City and Long Island, which I'm sure had a deeper impact for you. That's what I told my daughter. I said, oh, well this is Janelle's stomping ground.
Janelle: Yes.
Andrea: And it really brings up some thoughts about. our society, what you think people, who you trust, how you decide what to share, what to keep for yourself, and how would we all react in an apocalyptic situation.
Janelle: Yes. And, the fragility of how we think our life is, Life is going along and realizing how fragile this quote unquote status quo is for any of us.
Andrea: Indeed, there's an illusion of control
Janelle: Yes.
Andrea: Just as we all had before COVID and then COVID happened and we were like, fuck,
Janelle: Right
Andrea: We weren't in control. Yeah, but we all go back to this illusion of control, even though we could all die any minute.
Janelle: Right.
Andrea: And so I think then it speaks to how I related it most back to our podcast was, What do you think of the world?
Do you think the world is a good place? Or not such a good place? Do you think people are good? Or not so good? And how is that playing out in your life? And my daughter and I discussed a lot of that, how we had raised her, how she thought of the world, and our ultimate conclusion there was
That I know I want to keep spreading love and spreading joy and walking around with an open heart. Even if I'm not going to change the world. Even if there's not enough of people like me trying to do that. I'm not saying I'm good at it, I'm learning. I'm, I'm probably started out with a harder shell and it's somewhat harder shell and it's slowly softened over time.
But I want to keep believing. that people are good and everyone just needs a little kindness and a little softness, a little tenderness, a little compassion. know, with it, obviously a healthy degree of caution.
Janelle: Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, this is the type of movie where like as you said like there's so many points where you could stop and reflect and talk and think oh, what did you get out of it and I think for me the
One of the takeaways is that we are just always one moment away from apocalypse at any point. And that's the reason to keep an open heart and keep loving.
And, okay, let's also take a step back from the term apocalypse to, yeah, we can go back to like the pandemic, which for some, it wasn't apocalypse, but it was like really, to life just being hard and different than we thought it was in the moment prior and for the foreseeable future. But it doesn't mean that like everything has come crashing down and I realize it's how do you respond like the hard holy fuck this is scary moment is going to happen to all of us probably more than once in our lifetimes and how do we respond to those moments is actually the was like my bigger takeaway Julia Roberts character when she talks about People, and it's like, oh, right. Like, would you wanna be stuck with her in a house? No.
Andrea: She was pretty hateable. Yeah.
Janelle: And I was like, oh, I don't, that's like, I wanna be the person who's like, yes, if I'm gonna be stuck in a house, I wanna be stuck with you because at least I'm gonna bring and this is like me talking to myself okay, Janelle, can you dig deep? In your fear and still lead people to joy
Andrea: I believe you can friend.
Janelle: and then that's ultimately what I'm here for in a moment like that and it's not that I'm gonna be able to like fix the TV or Like there's lots of things that I'm not gonna be useful for With shit goes down, but that piece is and I was like, oh and that's a really high quality I don't know, skill or service offering and having someone else who can fix shit is useful.
Yeah, I'm glad we're talking about this. the lesson of it was, okay, shit's going to happen at some point because our lives are so interconnected in this really strange way that we also feel so individualized and alone. But we are completely dependent on systems that we have no control over.
Even, the code on the locks on our door and our, like, ATM codes. it's funny, there was, like, I was in a place this weekend and they changed the code and it's an elevator. You needed a code to get into the elevator. I was like, if this code, if this, like, went down, like, then you can't get into your place, right?
It was like, oh, it's much, like, one step more fragility as we add another step of convenience.
Andrea: Yeah, like this morning. I can get in your house. You can't get in your house without your coat.
Janelle: So in this way it is okay like yeah shit can always go down on this very very small scale Or on a bigger scale, but then how do you respond when shit goes down is what this movie helped me reflect on.
Andrea: Awesome. Yeah. And that's a direct association back to Burning Man, too. Like what happened to Burning Man. Right. Which is very minor in the big scheme of things, but still unexpected and disorienting and, messy. And so how did you respond? And I remember that was the box you sent me. You're like, Not everyone is in there?
What did you say? I can't remember. Like, not everyone is in the flow, not everyone is in,
Janelle: there's magic and miracles in the mud, but not everyone sees that. Yeah.
Andrea: Which, of course, is okay. I get that.
Janelle: And I think this conversation leads into our topic today, which is one of my favorites, which is investing in my radiance, because the point, you just brought it up with Burning Man, is that my radiance. For me is the thing it's my quality of being that is my highest expression.
And that is how can I increase my capacity so that I can be in my radiance as much as possible regardless of my external circumstances.
Andrea: I see.
Janelle: So being in my radiance isn't just when the sun is shining. Being in my radiance is I'm in the desert and it's raining and it's muddy and my Shoes are getting stuck and can I still be in my radiance or there's the blackout and there is no electricity Can I still be in my radiance? because me being in my radiance is what is I believe to be is in service to everyone around me.
So this is one of my biggest ahas in 2023 was realizing that my most valuable asset is being in my radiance and I define my radiance as when I feel centered grounded and in ease and I have clarity and confidence around what I am doing. or talking about when I'm in this state, I have greater capacity to handle life's challenges.
Andrea: Would you say it's a temporary state or a continual state? Like, is it the rule or is it the exception?
Janelle: I think it's a practice I'm working towards making it a continual state.
Andrea: Right. The goal is to be in it as much as possible. So agreed that I, if I'm in my radiance, I have better capacity, I do so with more grace, and what I define it as, or how I've been classifying it, is that I handle life's challenges with more grace, less defensiveness, and more certainty.
Yeah, right now it's, specific to situations I think of it more as in challenging situations. Like, okay, when I spoke with my husband about this issue, I was in my radiance. I felt certain. I felt grounded. I felt able to communicate clearly. I think this is where that phrase really started was when we decided, oh, well, I'm not going to tell someone this news until I'm in my radiance.
Janelle: Right. For example, for me, like I didn't tell my dad that I was poly until many years in when at that point I was really clear, really grounded, and really sure of myself about being poly.
Andrea: Yeah, similarly, I noticed sometimes when I told people I wasn't my radiance and then other times I wasn't. Because I was defending it. And while you coined the term, because you're always coining terms, they were describing a similar thing on Do Hard Things podcast recently. They didn't call it in your radiance it sounded very similar and the addition they added was that you know with certainty that whatever you're saying is true for you and regardless of what anyone else says, you're not going to change. It might make you curious, but you're not going to shift your decision about something or who you are.
Janelle: Correct. Absolutely. And I guess that is when I was in that example with my dad about Polly, I was able to have the conversation with him once I knew I was in my truth about it. It took me years to like navigate it, to find the way that I was thriving with it and I don't know that I had doubts around it, but I definitely had a lot of hurt that I was navigating, And so ultimately, my dad didn't want me to be hurting. So talking about Polly from a place of what I'm hurting as I'm struggling to figure it out, even if it was true for me, wasn't going to be effective. it was only once I was like, no dad, like this is actually, I feel way more alive living this way, having this capacity for love, that, I knew that that would assuage his fears about my hurt, like, just as, like, as a dad, like, caring for his daughter.
And that was what I wanted to convey, even if, right, he didn't have to agree with me. He could have had a different perspective, but that was the groundedness.
Andrea: So what are the things that help you be in your radiance? What contributes to your radiance?
Janelle: I need to invest in my radiance, which means prioritizing my money and my time on the things that make my soul feel good. In my case, sleep is one of them. I used to wish with all of my heart that I only needed six hours of sleep a night. I remember thinking, Oh my gosh, I'm never going to be as productive as Everyone else in the world who only need six hours of sleep because I need ten and that's four hours a day less productivity that I have in the world.
And now here I am and I've, and yet I've always recognized I needed the sleep and so I just have slept a lot my whole life. And now I'm like, oh, it's so much easier to say, no, I'm not going out. No, I'm not doing those things. If I'm tired, if I can tell I'm under resourced, like I'm not going to be out, I'm basically the person who goes to bed early and sleeps late.
I'm not the night person and I'm not the morning person. I'm sleeping that whole time. And that means saying no to a lot of things.
Andrea: Yeah, so I hear that sleep is investing.
Janelle: Essentially, because what I know is that if I'm not getting sleep, Right? I can definitely do a night or two without a lot of sleep, but if, it's more than that, then I'm cranky, I'm dimmed, I'm less patient, I get snarky, So these are all things that, Oh, I'm not in my radiance. I'm tired and cranky.
Andrea: Yeah, okay. What else?
Janelle: Food. Simple. These are not major. wow, Janelle, you've really figured out something massive.
Andrea: What I hear is that you know how much of everything. Like, we all need sleep and food, but some of us are not operating in our optimal space because we're getting not enough food, not enough sleep. Or too much of both.
Janelle: That's true, too. And so I used to deny myself food based on financial reasons. Like, I'm a big eater, which you know. but I don't ever, not ever, but I don't often plan ahead around food.
Andrea: Yeah. I don't know how, this is like baffling to me.
Janelle: so I can be out and about and then I'm hungry. But I used to wait until I got home. Even if it was going to be several hours later, instead of spending money to buy food on the run. The result is that I would get hungry, hangry, and impatient. And so now when I'm hungry, I eat. And if it means I have to stop and buy food, I do I learned this lesson actually at a choir recital last year.
Andrea: What are you talking about, I've never heard this story.
Janelle: So you know how we have the potlucks before the choir recital? Well, before that recital that year, I'd forgotten to eat. Cause what also happens is I can also just forget to eat. Until then I'm really hungry. And I had forgotten to eat lunch that day.
And suddenly we got to, I got to the potluck and I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so hungry. And I ended up. Just grazing around the table and I couldn't talk to anyone like I was so focused on like I need more calories. I need to get calories. I need to get calories and I realized that it's just a huge privilege getting to eat is a huge fucking privilege because me being hungry took me out of presence and took me out of socializing. Mm-Hmm. , it took me out of interacting. Mm-Hmm. . And so clearly what I'm talking about is I'm not talking, this is not like for someone who's struggling to feed themselves or their family, like, this isn't who I'm talking to, but I'm talking to someone who like has food.
Whenever they want it and is still denying themselves for whatever reason because that's when I realized, oh, it's taking me out of presence, which means I'm not in my radiance. Like if someone was coming up to talk to me, I'd be like, hi, but I need to eat right now.
Andrea: Yeah. And there is, on this note, I've written about it a few different times on LinkedIn There is this, what I call the bob, it's called the badge of busy, that moms, I'm around a lot but, you know, lots of people wear, where they're like, ugh, yeah, I mean I've only had a banana since yesterday, it's a bragging right, that you have not eaten.
You know, I haven't slept since childhood, right, that's not what they say, but like, they're just like, no, I am so busy, I am so productive that I do not take time to take care of myself. And I'm just so, I got so tired of that. I'm like, no, stop doing that. That's not a bad, that's just an, that's idiocy.
Like you're, it's your fault. And now you are not performing at your best. You're not being your best mom, You're best wife, You're best friend because you are not feeding yourself.
Janelle: Yes.
Andrea: But I understand why they're doing it because productivity is the highest form of success.
Janelle: Right and in our culture.
Andrea: That's what society tells us.
Janelle: Yes, and in our culture also like for women denying themselves food is also as you said like a badge of honor So really realizing that that isn't the case like for me My radiance is making sure
Andrea: Yep. Great.
Janelle: Okay, so then for me two other things massages and clothing So, when my body is sore, um, and my back and my neck are the likely culprits, a trip to the chiropractor or a massage, I love Thai massages, can work wonders.
And my body feels healthy most of the time, but I can definitely get with a back or a neck like a kink. I'm also an athlete, and so when I'm working out, my muscles can be really sore. And when my body isn't feeling optimal. I am definitely not in my radiance and I used to think of massage as a total luxury,
Andrea: Yeah. I still do. I was like, it just feels like something that. I don't want to pay for, or I shouldn't do unless I have,
Janelle: X the money to do it. And now what I realize is there are times when a massage can be like, Oh, I'm just going for a relaxing massage, but really what I'm talking about here is no, I am going because my body feels broken and this is the, these are the two tools I know that can fix it.
And when my body feels broken. Then again, I'm cranky. I'm sore. I'm not talking to people in my radiance. And so that's why I'm investing in it.
Andrea: And your clothing.
Janelle: Yes This is the biggest
Andrea: If you could see Janelle's closet, it's sort of like a museum. You should have mannequins for all of your dresses. You should have, like, a separate wing in the house.
Janelle: Maybe one
Andrea: There's so many beautiful things in there,
Janelle: Know, what's interesting is it took me a long time to realize that clothing is a form of creative expression for me and That what I am wearing is an outer expression of my inner state My ex husband actually knew this about me way before I knew this about
Andrea: Oh, yeah.
Janelle: He used to give me gifts of like, Okay, here's some money. Go buy yourself clothing. And then I wouldn't go buy clothing because it was a luxury. I used to view clothing as a luxury. And again, like depending on how much money I had in my bank account. it felt like, oh, I deserve this or I don't deserve this.
Andrea: Wow.
Janelle: And what I now know is I, I can literally start to short circuit when my outfit doesn't fit the occasion.
Andrea: I love talking about something different. your outfit doesn't fit the occasion. Mm
Janelle: What I actually mean is it has to be practical and in alignment. For example, I was in Finland this summer. And it was going to be like, you know, practically 24 hours of sunlight. so I thought it was going to be warm. I was wrong. It was actually quite cold. And there was lots of mosquitoes.
And I didn't pack the right clothes. And like, I literally started to malfunction. I like, could feel that my brain couldn't operate. And, because I didn't want to go outside. Ugh, because I was going to get bit by mosquitoes. Or it was going to be cold and my body was getting like, contracted.
Andrea: You start to get tense. Yeah.
Janelle: Touch, who was my dear friend who I was traveling with. Had brought with her like 10 pairs of long wool socks and three jackets and was like, you know, you could ask Your best friend to borrow clothes, And I was like and her clothes were too a little bit too small, but they fit me they didn't match But it didn't matter because I was warm and I was protected from the mosquitoes My entire nervous system relaxed. So it wasn't about oh, I've got this fancy perfect outfit It was like my body needs to feel comfortable. And once that happened, then I could go back into my radiance.
Andrea: Nice.
Janelle: And of course, there is this other aspect to it, which is that I do prefer my clothes to look amazing. And I have had it expressed to me that my clothing sets the tone of a room.
When my clothing and my Interstate, right? I'm in my radiance and that radiance is coming across from my physical being in the clothing then it's noticed and it has an impact on the environment that I'm in and So in that way that is another reason why I'm like, oh it's almost like I'm in service like my clothing is in service to like
Andrea: The greater good.
Janelle: I'm saying that out loud and realizing like that's such an easy way to be like Oh that justifies every clothing expense that I want to buy
Andrea: Rationalization, for sure.
Janelle: So that leads into like oh, what is it a necessity and when is it a luxury?
Andrea: Yeah, and that's my next question, because you're saying it's a necessity, not a luxury.
Janelle: Yes, but there is a difference you're pointing out my wardrobe my wardrobe actually in the scheme of things Compared to other people who I know who really love clothes. although I have a big closet I don't have a ton of clothes there's a seasonality to them of like seasonality of my life, not like winter versus summer, but like, Oh, this is the version I am right now.
And so these clothes align. I also have clothes that are not based on fashion. they're just kind of elaborate something, meaning that They don't go out of style because they're already weird.
Andrea: I catch myself saying like, like when you say you don't have a lot of clothes, like, it's just all relative. it's hard to even like, you couldn't even make that statement. a lot compared to who?
Janelle: and that's a good point. I think that this is a really aspect of being in your radiance is you can't judge someone else's what makes them feel radiant.
Andrea: Right. Right. Got it.
Janelle: So for me, what I'm choosing to spend my money on and how much money I'm choosing to spend on it, if it's like in alignment and it's really true to my soul's like requiring, like that gets to be on me and someone else could judge it being like, oh my gosh, you're in credit card debt and you just spent 1, 000 on a jacket. And that's true. And I know that that jacket represented many, many layers. of freedom for me, freedom of like limiting beliefs around what I'm worth, limiting beliefs around that I can take care of myself, freedom of like, oh, so I can buy this for myself, someone else. I'm not waiting for someone else to buy it for. There were so many layers. To why I felt this was the right decision
Andrea: Yeah, for that code.
Janelle: For that coat to be in my radians That someone else doesn't necessarily know
Andrea: Mm hmm. And how do you make the decision? Like, in the moment, you're like, trying on the code or looking online.
Janelle: Right like I'm discerning what my soul wants versus what my personality or ego wants And it takes skills. It takes skill which I've learned I use to help me make decisions. One is the Wheel of Consent. I've got a podcast on this, which is learning to notice what I want, and then trusting what I want, valuing what I want, and then asking. myself for what I want. So that's a skill that I have developed and this trusting what I want means trusting my intuition.
Andrea: Wait, can I stop you? Yes. So, you said asking yourself for that
Janelle: Right. It's like giving myself like often asking for what I want. I could be like, Oh, like I'm going to ask. My husband, hey, I would like this thing, But no, I'm saying my soul is asking my human, hey, I want this thing.
Andrea: Uh huh. What about asking the universe? Yeah, I was just suggesting that, that like, sometimes I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna ask for this and see how it shows up.
Janelle: Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
Andrea: It feels like that's a, that's something, another tool.
Janelle: Yes, yeah, absolutely. That's another tool. Great idea
Andrea: Okay, so the wheel of consent is one thing you use. What was
Janelle: To help me make decisions. The other one is human design.
Andrea: Oh, yeah.
Janelle: You know, human design is, which we've also talked about in the Woo episode, is a, it's a modality that helps you understand how you make decisions. And in my case, we're all different, right? You're a manifesting generator, I'm a reflector, so how we make decisions is different.
For me, as a reflector, my decision making follows a lunar cycle, meaning it can take me at least 30 days to make a decision, at which point something in my system simply says, This is it. Now some of you might be like, what the fuck? Like you have to make decisions every day all the time, which is true. But when I was saying, I was making this decision about the coat. I walked into the store, found the coat and bought it. That might seem like that was an immediate decision. But actually, I was really going to this store because I had heard about this store for over two years. And this was the first time in two years, because it's in New York, that I was able to go to this store.
And I was like, Oh, I feel like I'm supposed to be going to this store. I don't know what I'm going to buy in this store, but there's something here. for me. So in a way it felt like I had been waiting two years for this coat. I just didn't know what I was waiting for. And because the other thing is that I, what I also know about my decision making, since I'm supposed to be waiting at least 30 days, is that I can get really excited immediately about something. If it's the first time I'm hearing about it, you're laughing because you know this is true.
Andrea: That's right.
Janelle: But if I was to invest in that moment in the thing without waiting, I will regret it. so for example, like I knew I needed to buy a car. And I was like, okay, I know I'm gonna buy a red car. And I was like, great. And I found this car and I was like, did my research, I was like, hey, this is the car I'm gonna buy.
And I was like, no it's not, Janelle, because you've only been researching it for a day and a half and you only decided two days ago that you needed a car and that you were gonna get a red car. And then I was like, oh, this is perfect. And then, an hour later my brain's like, no, it's not perfect. And I was like, oh, right, see, this is how it goes.
Then I spent the next six weeks researching until finally it was like, oh, click. I had done all the research I needed to do. And now I knew what the car was, but I knew in that moment, I could have bought the first car that I saw because I felt so perfect, but that I hadn't given enough time for my body and my system to reflect on it.
Andrea: What I hear is an enormous amount of trust. Let's go back a story before the car. That you're trusting that the message is going to come through. Like, even if there's urgency or panic, like, No, I need a new phone, I need a new car, I need a coat today. Nope, I'm gonna wait. Because I, you're trusting that a message is gonna come through that will give you a greater degree of certainty.
Janelle: Yes. And I think the interesting part about the coat, for example, is that I actually wasn't shopping for a coat. What I was shopping for, I was like, Oh, I'm supposed to go to this store. I've been listening. And like, there's something here for me and I don't know what it is. And then it turned out that it was a coat.
It could have been a bag. I tried on this like wild winged metal thing. And then I was like, Oh no, that's not it. yeah, trust was my word of 2022. And I know that I am in deep trust of myself and my intuition and the messages that I'm getting.
Andrea: So, what comes to mind as you're talking about that is listening. Listening to that voice. And, I feel fortunate that I've really, I've been working on listening to that voice for a long time. But I remember when I first had a baby, and everyone was like, just listen to your intuition. it'll tell you what to do.
And I was like, fuck you. I don't hear anything and I am panicked and this is fucking hard. And so it was like such a, vitriolic reaction from me because I was so lost, so confused. I thought it was so hard. I didn't know how to listen. I didn't know what they were talking about. The only voices in my head were like, ones of panic, basically. And like frustration. So I guess I'm talking to Bravehearts out there if someone's like, I don't know what she's talking about. You know, this is something that needs to be developed over time.
Janelle: Yes. These skills, Rick, I didn't always have human design. I didn't always have the will of consent. I also didn't. Even know what intuition was, right? Like, yes. So these are all learned skills. They're not like, oh, here is Janelle, floating through the universe, like, knowing how to do this. And this just, like, came to her.
And this has been a, practice for a long time. And now I have the clarity about what's happening. I didn't know it.
Andrea: Yeah, it sounds so empowering though. I mean, it really is empowering not to have to look outside of yourself for the answer or for the decision. So, herd of elephants in the room for me is, what about finances? how do you decide when to spend money when you're in debt or you have to prioritize? Is there a limit to the necessity of your radiance?
Janelle: So this is the trust that I'm in right now, which is that there's not a limit to what I'm willing to invest in my radiance. but like my soul does have limits. Like my soul is not saying, take your credit card, go to Bergdorf's in New York and like have a crazy ass shopping spree. that's not what my soul is saying for me to do.
Andrea: It feels like your ego or your personality might say that. Right. But you know the difference. And so you're like, no, that's excessive. I'm not doing that. I don't need to do that.
Janelle: Right. I have never spent 1, 000 on a coat before. husband has spent that on me, but I've never spent it on myself. if like what I had come across in that store had been 5, 000, I'm pretty confident that I would have been like, my soul would have been like, that's not the right coat.
That's not the thing. There's something else here. there is an instinctual limit that, now, This was still going on a credit card. I don't have this money, So this is going on a credit card I'm aware of that and so someone else and part of myself is like a thousand dollars on a credit card for a cuck and Coat like you're who are you now? Cuz this is not how I would have been prior to this year I've never been in debt before and I've never would have given myself permission to put this on a credit card ever ever So there's this, there's this dance between my soul was like, okay, 1, 000 is okay, and 5, 000 would not have been okay, but that zero. Not putting it on a credit card would have been denying my radiance this is the trust that I'm in I'm just trusting that I'm like, nope something else. It's not a monetary thing something else some other form of abundance abundance is gonna come my way through this coat Because I'm in my radiance Every day that I'm wearing it
Andrea: I see. So there's a return on it.
Janelle: That I don't understand
Andrea: Like an ROI. Yeah.
Janelle: Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah, like Bravehearts real time. This is me Evolving and stepping into my life into my spirituality into my trust of spirit in a way that I never had before. So I don't have like data to back me up that this is what's going to happen. And yet I feel like this is what's going to happen.
Andrea: So, I just want to point out that you are independent, no children, no partner. Mm hmm. Right, so no one else is depending on you for their finances or their financial stability. Yeah.
Janelle: Yeah. And if I was to die tomorrow, no one is taking on any of the debt that I have.
Andrea: Right. so in, in, in my reflection on how I spend money, I have to think about So, my husband and my daughter and what I'm denying them by spending something on myself and how, just navigating those decisions all the time. Okay.
Janelle: Yeah. So I agree with you. Like, right. Like I recognize that my situation is different than yours. So I'm curious what comes up for you when you recognize that you're not making decisions without consideration. Of your daughter and husband, like you can't just make a decision based on like what your soul wants.
Andrea: Yeah, I mean, I can't, I do and I can because I have to make decisions all the time, From, a winter coat to a frozen pizza or whatever. but I think it, what this topic has done has made me reflect on my lifetime of money spending and my relationship with money. To think about the way I use things has changed. And so, therefore, the way I spend money on things. Well, I used to want a lot of choice and variety in my closet, in my house, different shelves, different books, different little dishes, different candles. And there was this idea of like, more was better, Yeah, I've always liked collage art and I have a lot of different interests and I like things to be colorful and I'm attracted to different shapes and so I would just like be attracted to those things and buy them, be attracted to them and buy them.
And I think a few things happened maybe, five or six years ago that shifted that where I realized I was putting off getting dressed because I didn't want to make the decision of what to wear in the morning. Mmm. Because I was going to my closet and just being like, just overwhelmed with choice going to the massive Whole Foods and just being like, Oh my gosh, how, there's too many varieties.
Janelle: Right. Is it, and I think that there's a study that, I know that there's a study that shows that the more choice people have, the less happy they are.
Andrea: Yeah, I believe it. For sure. It just, it's too much. Yeah. I remember, hearing about this, there's some kind of traditional lunch or breakfast that they have in Norway. And they just eat it every day. And so many of the people do this. I don't know the name of it, it's some kind of maybe a salted meat or something.
So my friend Catherine told me about it and she said, you know, I didn't really love it but it basically just cut down on my decision in the morning on what to have. And I could relate. I was like, oh yeah, that would be easy. If you just always knew what you were going to have for breakfast every morning,
Janelle: Yes.
Andrea: No decision to make.
Janelle: Right. this is so fascinating because this ties into this course that I'm in right now, this like BDSM course, learning how, in DOM sub dynamics, one of the basic appeals of being a sub is that they do not have to make decisions for an hour,
Andrea: Right. This is why I used to, this is part of why. Go to my boyfriend's house. It was like, I didn't have to make the decision.
Janelle: Right? About anything. Yes. Right.
Andrea: About anything. So that, first that happened. Then, my body changed. about, I guess, I was like, maybe, Five years ago, my body just shifted because of, um, perimenopause and I'm fortunate that I, I really like the way my body changed.
So then, my wardrobe had to change a little bit. I wanted to show off different parts of my body. Different things fit differently. Then during COVID, I wasn't leaving the house as much, so I just didn't feel like it was necessary to vary my clothes very much. I mean, think of that dramatic difference, like going out and meeting people for coffee all the time.
Nope, none of that. And I started wearing the same thing. And then my husband started wearing a black t shirt all the time. And he was just like, this is what looks best, so why don't I just wear it all the time? And it's so easy. I just put on my black. T shirt, and with my pants, and that's it. I'm done. and there's this story about this woman named Kamelia that we knew in Bulgaria when we were, in the Peace Corps there.
And every time you saw her she had on some form of red. And she had these red glasses and her, you know, hair was very stylish. But I'm telling you, she wore red every single time I saw her. And I was like, she knows what looks good on her, and she just chooses red. And how great is that? It's just like committing, right? There's a commitment there.
Janelle: What I'm loving and what I'm hearing right now. is this process of like investing in your radiance, which is today's topic, If this happens over time, So like you what how you've just described your process of getting to the point of what you're wearing now It was over many many years
Andrea: Yes, and then I started practicing better self care because I bought this, for me, it was like a 300 coat, which I had never spent 300 on a coat before. I was like, and it was really warm, and it looked really good, and it was long, and it covered my butt, and it felt Like, I wasn't supposed to wear something like that because it wasn't attractive enough because it was too warm.
And I was so thrilled to buy it, and I love it so much, and I love wearing it, and that was also a shift for me. Like, oh, how can I be comfortable and look good at the same time?
Janelle: Yes
Andrea: So, whereas like, you know, I wasn't uncomfortable, but I would wear things that were not like the most comfortable. I remember wearing these adorable red Steve Madden heels, like a few times, and I loved them so much, but they hurt my feet. They were so painful. And I eventually got rid of them.
Janelle: Yes, I remember
Andrea: I am done with this.
Janelle: maybe this is a good time to talk about this, which is that I had an experience on mushrooms Where I ended up going into my closet. Hi. And looking around and saying, Okay, I'm going to get rid of everything that's not worthy of meeting the divine.
Andrea: Oh. Oh
Janelle: This is similar to like Marie Kondo's, like her version of like, whatever doesn't bring you joy. So this is mine, whatever isn't really meeting the divine and I tried on everything in my wardrobe and got rid of so So many things and what I realized is that there were still things in there that were really amazing and great but they weren't like the truest version of me now. And so, but I had held on to them because I'm like, Oh, but this quote is, basically it was like, I loved the piece because of how it made me feel the 5 or 10 or 15 years ago when I wore it. But I didn't feel that way in it anymore because that wasn't the version of me.
Andrea: Yeah.
Janelle: So in that journey is when I was like, Oh my gosh, here are all the items that hurt my body when I wear them.
Andrea: So let's throw them away.
Janelle: Get rid of them, right? Like things that were like, looked so great, but were too constricting or whatever. And that. Was a big aha. It's like go back to my point when I'm saying about massages and my body's hurting I'm like, yeah, so now I'm intentionally hurting my body. So the now I have to go get a massage I'm not gonna deny myself. I mean the whole cycle
Andrea: Ridiculous. Yeah. And it's bringing up so many things. I think during this process, this multi year process, I was also coming home to myself and figuring who I was. Because I think I would go to the closet and say, well, who do I want to be today? Right? I had all these different types of looks. I really did. Like, I mean, I would love something, but it was like the, the fancy Andrea.
Like the mom Andrea and the, motorcycle chick Andrea or whatever, you know? And that was fun. I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I was like trying on different identities maybe. But now I just feel like, oh no, now I, I just know who I am. And here's who I am right now. It's gonna change.
Like it might change in two years or next year. But right now, here's who I am. And that feels really good. And so the, the ultimate culmination of this is now. I am investing in my inner life and my radiance and the, and the clothing to match that. Rather than starting from the outside.
Janelle: Beautiful
Andrea: That is what I've determined.
Janelle: So I know what I'm also hearing because we didn't like explicitly state This is that clothing is also an expression of your radiance, for someone else like Bravehearts like clothing might not be your thing
Andrea: Right. But it is for me too. Yeah. It definitely is and has always been. Like it's a, it's a creative expression basically. It's just like a way I put an outfit together and I watch my daughter do the same thing.
Janelle: But I love hearing what you're saying about, your closet is now full of the things that represent your inner self. And so you're choosing from that versus helping your clothes determine how you're feeling.
Andrea: Maybe. Yeah. It's like I'm starting with the inner and then spreading to the outer instead of the opposite. Yeah. So the result now is that I buy more expensive items, but I buy less of them. Right? And so I literally go to my closet now and I have about 9 or 10 outfits and that's it. Like, and I have more of course for special occasions, but in general I rotate through the same 9, probably less, things.
And that's also why I spent 85 on those. Rising frequency earrings because I wear them almost every day. I was like, that's totally worth it. same thing with the sparkly eyeshadow, which is also expensive, more expensive than I would typically, I mean, I would go to Walgreens for 12 and now I spend 26 on it.
But it's like, so makes me happy during the day. So I simplified my life and that's been lovely. It's easier to get dressed. I know who I am. I am consistent. I'm also like, it also impacts my brand in a sense too, because I just met with someone in real life the other day, which is so bizarre. And she was like, Oh my God, you're so consistent.
There's your hat. There's your earrings. I'm like, yeah, I guess this is who I am right now. And then it, it spread to other places. I don't have a yoga mat. Like, I don't need a yoga mat. I just use the one at the studio. Like, it's so much easier. I don't have to keep track of it. I don't know where it's at. I don't have to clean it.
I just go in there. There's always extra and it's free. And before that, 10 years ago, I just would have been like, no, I want to have my own. Like, there was some possession about owning it that felt important to me that I just don't have anymore.
Janelle: And it sounds like as you let that need for possession go, you're more in your radiance because so not only the clothing itself is. Yes. is the aspect of your radiance it's you not having to make as many decisions is helping you stay in your
Andrea: Yes.
Janelle: not having to keep track of as many things
Andrea: Yeah, wash as many things, iron as many things, all that. That's really true.
Janelle: it's so funny that you say iron i remember a very
Andrea: By the way, I have to take that back. I have not ironed, like I've ironed three times, three things in my life. let's just be clear that I did not own an iron for a very long time. I only have one now because we were going to Airbnb. I never use it. if something needs to be ironed, I'm not gonna wear it.
Janelle: Well and that's and that is what i figured out like 20 years ago it was like oh if it says has to be ironed i am not buying it like i have an iron free wardrobe
Andrea: What about dry clean?
Janelle: No i have dry clean clothes
Andrea: Yeah, you'd probably do, huh? I did get to a point where I'm like, no, if it can't go in the wash, then probably not. But then I went through this loss, right? Because I used to think of shopping as a pastime. Your quote. From a couple episodes
Janelle: Which I don't even remember
Andrea: Yeah, well you said you're like, Shopping was not a pastime in my house growing up And it was definitely a fucking pastime in my house growing up my mom grew up with not a lot like very happy and fine, but like, you know, not an abundance of money and And she was like, now I have money and I'm going to spend it however I want to.
And not ridiculous, but still, she wanted to see strawberries and blueberries in the refrigerator all the time because that was a luxury growing up. And she wanted to be able to buy me clothing when she wanted to and make sure I felt good in it and, buy all the brands. And so shopping was a pastime, but I realized too that my mom and I both love the hunt.
We love looking for things. And that includes my husband's keys. I like looking for things. And he hates looking for things. So he will just stop looking and find it later, which then becomes harder because he really doesn't know where he put it. Or he'll buy a new one, or whatever.
So, the point is that I love looking for things. I love the treasure hunt. I love going through stranger stuff. And when I stopped shopping and stopped wanting as many things, I was like, Oh, I don't get to shop anymore. Like if this was a fun thing I did.
And then I started going to garage sales, and if I didn't find anything, I would just give them 5 for the experience. Literally, I've done that a few times. I'm like, yeah, I don't want to bring anything into my house, but this was really fun. Thank you for, like, giving me an hour of bliss on my Saturday.
So when my mom came recently, and we went to Goodwill, we spent like three hours there. And we had such a good time. And We both spend a bunch of money, but it was like the same amount you would have paid for a facial, or going to a theater, or going to the play, which we're not going to do.
And so it's kind of like an event for us. It's like an activity.
Janelle: Yeah. And something that is a shared experience between you and your mom, which
Andrea: It's a total bonding. And so it was great. and so I got some stuff too, but it was really more about the experience.
Janelle: And what I'm hearing actually is that you were investing in time in relationship with your mom. Which is contributing to your radiance together.
Andrea: Absolutely. But I realized too, that so much of that shopping as a pastime does turn into just filling this hole you're inevitably feeling, Why I'm looking for a dopamine head, I'm looking for comfort, I'm looking. and you're finding it on the TJ Maxx shelves, and I eventually said, you know, I don't know what the question is, but TJ Maxx is not the answer. put the item down and leave the store.
Janelle: And what it sounds like is what you have figured out in this example with your mom is that you're actually not going for the outcome of what it is that you're buying. You're going shopping for like the journey and the hunt and the experience of being together and having a bonding moment. And yes, you might
Andrea: There's a couple of outcomes typically, but mostly, it's the experience. Yeah, so a different goal. And I happen to be surrounded by people in my life. My husband, he's very simple, doesn't require a lot of stuff, can get by without these luxury items.
And my daughter also, who in general likes things, but doesn't crave them you know, when she was young, when she was like, say, seven or eight, we would go into Nordstrom Rack. She was like, We're just getting underwear. Mom, don't get distracted, we're not getting anything else.
I remember going into Cost Plus once, we just ended up getting all this stuff for Christmas, and she was like, I'm nervous, I don't like this, we're buying too many things, I don't want to bring them home.
And I was like, what is that about? Like, so fascinating. But good, of course. I'm like, I'm glad she doesn't need things. You know, and she's not coveting all this stuff. Because I also used to go through these cycles, like, wanting something, coveting it, going and buying it, being happy for three weeks about it, and then losing interest and finding something else to want.
So it's just this endless cycle.
Janelle: And so I think that that's tying it back to investing in our radiance, but it's a state that I am trying to achieve for longer and longer periods of time and greater and greater frequency is that the items that I am, if I'm talking about the clothing aspect of how I'm investing in my radiance, that this does not feel temporary, this coat, I will probably have this coat for a long time and because I'm not buying it based on, oh, this is what JLo is selling this season.
This is based on like what is my soulful good and it feels like there is a there is a longevity When I'm listening to my soul to the object that doesn't apply To when my ego is talking about it,
Andrea: Yeah, it's a different type of longevity.
Janelle: Right? So like that's like a tip for Bravehearts who are trying to like figure out what we're talking about here is that my soul isn't looking for a temporary
Andrea: Fix. Yeah, you're not looking for the dopamine hit. For the Oh, I have to feel better because I want to escape something.
Janella_1: correct?
Andrea_1: I love this topic. Like it's so fun. We have so much to say about it.
Janelle: We do, turns out.
Andrea: Yeah. I feel like there's just so much to consider in that this is one way where spirit and practicality are constantly joining, right? Because you're constantly going to have to buy new jeans to fit you or, you have to keep buying things just as a matter of necessity sometimes. And so how do you make those decisions? And how do you not overbuy?
Janelle: I guess one of the other measurements that I think is like, how do, how will I feel in something? Naturally, how do I look in it? But how do I feel in it and that also applied to like to the goddess temple when I was furnishing it Where it took me like six months to buy the dining room table because I was like, okay How do I want the dining room to feel it feels really important and like, okay What's the table that is going to work to give the feeling that I want?
Andrea: this is actually strangely related to what I say to clients sometimes when I ask them about their goals or what does success look like to them. And then reflect that it's not really about the thing that they want or the thing that they can't decide on. It's what do you want your life to feel like?
Janelle: To feel like.
Andrea: And what do you want it to look like every day? Like, you know, how many hours are you doing this? What time are you getting up? When are you eating?
Janelle: But I, but I think that ultimately results in how do you feel? Oh, I feel better if I'm getting up early. I feel better if I'm eating this way. I'm feeling better if I have this many days of vacation.
Andrea: yeah, exactly. So it's ultimately like, what do you want your life to feel like? Yeah, I love that. That's really true.
Janelle: I love that too. Okay, Bravehearts. Lots in here for you to like contemplate, think about.
Andrea: Yeah, what's an assignment? Maybe go through your closet, if you're so inclined, and find something that doesn't make you feel good and get rid of it. You know, it just feels like a little elimination, slowly at a time.
Janelle: Or maybe it's not in your closet. Just maybe it's in your house. Like something in your space. Like just look with new eyes at your clothing or at your house. And just say, Oh, is there something that like, yeah, actually hurts my body. And I'm going to get rid of it.
Andrea: All right, thanks for listening.
Janelle: We love you.
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