How frequently and frivolously do you give away your energy? Do you have a leak? Are you carrying too many keys around? Could your backpack and your mind be lighter? As a Mom, are you helping or enabling? Janelle and Andrea urge the Brave Hearts to protect their attention. Fun nods to Tim Ferris, Humans of New York and Rachel Rodgers’ “We Should All Be Millionaires” and more. You’ll hear:
-Why Andrea sometimes wants to shave her head.
-The power of outsourcing!
-Why you should just stop (!!!!) planning so far ahead
-How Janelle feels 50 lbs lighter after releasing one thing
-A bit about hiding calendars
-Why you should C yourself out of A & B conversations, lol
TRANSCRIPT:
Andrea: Hi, Janelle.
Janelle: Hey, Andrea. wild,
Andrea: Wildly alive.
Janelle: Wildly alive for sure. Don't even know where to start, but, feeling, feeling good.
Andrea: Good. And this was your idea, , this episode. our attention is our most valuable asset. that what you called it?
Janelle: Yes. why did this come up? what was your inspiration for doing this episode? There's many sources. I don't think this was my, definitely not my idea, but the idea is that where we put our attention is where. Magic happens where things get created is a concept that's out there, but actually Brandon oh, I forget his last name from humans of New York He posted a New Year's resolution of talking about Attention and like being really careful about where you're putting it because it's your most valuable resource And that's what every marketing company, everyone, everywhere and anything that we're doing is competing for our attention. Cause it's a limited resource. Tim Ferriss then in one of his five bullet Fridays actually pointed to Brandon's newsletter about this.
Andrea: Okay. And I think I'm hearing, and because I know you and we've discussed this, that the distinction here is. Not just what you're doing with your time, but what you're spending your mind and body's attention on. So even if I say, don't reach out to someone, if I'm thinking about them and I'm, I'm wasting or using my energy on them, that is my attention that I am potentially wasting,
Janelle: potentially if you don't want to be thinking about them, but I would say you can take it less personal. And it's like me scrolling through Instagram it could be like mindless scrolling. I'm actually taking an input when I'm mindlessly scrolling.
So my energy, I like my mental energy is still, even if it's just like, Oh, I'm just, I'm wasting my time. And as you know, sense is like, yeah, my intention is going towards something that is insignificant to my values. And that's, I'm wasting it.
Andrea: Yeah. And I'm hearing also, or I'm inferring that, right? You're scrolling through that stuff, and it might pop up later and take 30 seconds of your attention Because you're thinking about it. I noticed this because I've been sucked into watching old Sex and the City reels Which is really weird for me.
Like I'm just not someone who like goes through and scrolls scrolls and looks at reels but I had this nostalgia around Sex and the City because I used to watch it and You know, Sarah Jessica Parker and so I have just sort of been drawn into it and, you know, it's a little entertaining and so that's fine, but then I find myself thinking about it later and I'm just like, that's kind of a waste of my attention.
Janelle: Yes, absolutely. right here in this example, we're talking about Instagram that seems like, obvious, right? That's a waste of your time. But then you see, you can take it into the news. And I'll scroll through the headlines, like one of my main sources is the New York Times.
As we all know, headlines are not. uplifting information, and I'm getting data. It's worthwhile to some degree, and a lot of it's not because I can't control it. I can't control what's happening. So I might be learning something. if I have an emotional hit about what I'm reading, and it takes me a moment to like, I really digest that there is a balance, I think, between like the responsibility of a global citizen of knowing what's going on in the world.
Which I believe in I has to still make sure that my attention is going towards where I can be making a difference and not just spiraling in grief of what is going on in the world.
Andrea: Got it. And why should anyone care? what are the results when you are a little more boundaried or careful with your attention?
Janelle: It means that I am available for the things that are important to me. for example. When things come up, my spirit son could call me out of the blue. If he calls, I want to be there. I want to be available for him. And there's much less clutter for me to get rid of.
I can just say yes. When a dear friend calls and says, I need help, can you hold space for me on this? I have the time to say yes and be fully present. The spaciousness allows me to be present and more consciously decide where I'm going to put my attention.
Andrea: Yeah, got it. I can see that.
Janelle: I can also put my attention on me to figure out what I need, either physically or emotionally.
Andrea: Awesome. Okay. So let's dive into this a little deeper. I think some of this wasted attention I've noticed in the last couple of years is about my caretaking and my confusion of control and love. So an example that recently came up was that when we eat dinner My daughter and I eat a particular amount, which is far less than what my husband needs, So we don't always have, I feel like, enough food for him. Like, he always has to supplement. And I was trying to figure out what he could have the other night, and like, oh, do you want to warm up this quinoa, or do you want to add broccoli?
And he said to me, Andrea, don't worry about that. I'll take care of myself. And I was like, are you sure? you know, I'm like, no, no, I want to take care of it for you. You know, I want to do it for you. want to make sure you have enough to eat. he's like, Andrea, you reminding me about my food is like me saying to you, Andrea, have you looked at the calendar today? And this totally made me laugh because of course I look at the calendar like every half an hour. And I was like, okay, yeah, I get it. I release and I thought, wow, I don't need to put my energy into that anymore. I don't need to be anxious about him not getting enough. So it's one less thing that's competing for my attention.
Janelle: So let me like dig into that for a second. So what I'm hearing is. You had taken on the responsibility of like how much food was he getting when he didn't ask you to do that and he didn't want you to do that You were still trying to do that Until was like this isn't helping me. and so you like, okay, I am releasing myself my attention I'm releasing from Trying to manage control over here and put the attention back onto something that's more important.
Andrea: Yes. Let it go. Let it go, as Elsa says. just another thing to let go. Then, and I know we've both gone through this, there are things I just jump on and help out with that I really don't need to. I remember him visiting a woman a year or two ago.
Janelle: It was a couple years
Andrea: Yeah. And. Because I'm such a planner and an organizer, I like jumped on planning an Airbnb for him to stay out with this woman and you were like, Andrea, what are you doing? You don't need to do that. That's not your thing to do.
Janelle: Right? I was like, that is not your responsibility.
Andrea: And I'm like, Yes. Okay, I know. And I know this something just happened recently with you as well.
Janelle: Just the other day, I helped hold my ex husband's cat, while he was cutting off hairballs. And this is Bodhi, She is a long haired cat and he nicked her just a little bit, which was devastating. And he said he thought he should take her to get groomed instead the next time.
But then he was like, Oh, no, but there's gonna be all this trauma and putting her in the car. And I'm said, Well, I'm sure there's a mobile groomer that can like come to the house, right? Like we live in the land of mobile everything.
Andrea: And you were a problem solver. You're like, Yes.
Janelle: Um, and after I left, like, I came back to my side of the house, and I had the urge, like, to look up mobile grimmers. It would take me, like, ten seconds, and then, like, find the one that was closest and, like, send him the link. And then, I stopped myself. Because I realized I gave him the info he needed. He didn't think about a mobile groomer, but he's quite capable of looking up on Google one if he wants one.
And I didn't need to give up even five minutes of my precious attention on something that he could do himself. And he wasn't asking me to do.
Andrea: Right. So I think this is a little bit about The difference between love and
Janelle: But it does feel good to want to be needed. And so it's hard to let go, right? Sometimes I'm realizing I'm creating a reason to be needed. So it's hard to let go. It's hard to let go of the feeling of wanting to be needed.
Andrea: Yes. And it's easy to justify and rationalize because I think, well, no, this comes from love. the source of it is good. I'm trying to help. I'm trying to caretake. I'm trying to love. I'm trying to nurture, but it actually can also end up being a form of control.
Janelle: I feel like this is like another podcast topic. So stay tuned. Bravehearts I really learned , the difference in , the BDSM course I used to be equate love and caretaking. And I think our next episode about BDSM will be how BDSM relates to fucking everything in life. Because you are using these letters a lot. Like it is flowing into so many conversations that have nothing to do with how people think of BDSM. Just saying. Yes, agreed, agreed, that we'll have a whole topic, whole podcast.
Andrea: So I spend a lot of my valuable attention on futurizing, on planning. Right? I plan, and I plan, and I plan, and I sometimes plan way too far ahead. And I sometimes overdo it. then it ends up being all for not because I changed my mind or it snows or someone cancels a meeting or plans change. And so I'm really trying to limit myself to like two weeks instead of two months.
And of course this comes back to the ultimate wisdom from the stranger I met cat in Madagascar that ultimately says, you have everything you need right now? I mean, it's still helpful to me. I met Kat in maybe, a long time ago, and it still applies, and sometimes it applies in an even smaller scope.
I think, let's just wait to worry. Do I have everything I need at this very moment?
Janelle: Right. I love that for you. Let's just wait to worry.
Andrea: This is from my client, Lori Robertson, who I need to call out and name, who's so awesome. And she's like, wait to worry. Just wait to worry. She's a speaker coach. She's amazing. So that's one way I'm, I'm trying to boundary my attention.
Janelle: Yeah. When it comes to like planning for ahead, I have a relationship with planning, Which means the future But it has drastically changed in a different way. I would say that it's not so much about how far ahead I'm planning. Although for a while it last year, I was doing it in quarters, I would only plan as far as there was ease.
Meaning that if I'm like, okay, I might be traveling to New York. Okay. Yep. Everything's lining up. Great. Okay. I can book those tickets. Now the next week am I going to Boston? Okay. Is everything lining up? Great. I can book those tickets. Okay. The next week, am I going to go see my dad? Oh, I don't know.
Because X, Y, or Z doesn't matter. Then it was like, Oh, whenever there was not clarity, then I stopped planning. And that meant that's as far as I can plan out, and it's been really transformative is such a big word, and we use it a lot. But it just allows the thing that's the most alive to rise to the top.
Andrea: And that really resonates. And I, I've just been adopting that as well. And it really comes from you. I mean, the word ease is so much apart now. I'm just like, is this an ease or am I forcing, am I like, Oh, I can't figure this out. I can't figure this out. The schedules won't align. I'm just in a, I'm spinning.
And I noticed that and I'm like, okay, need to walk away maybe for a day, maybe for a week, but it's not time to plan that yet. And I believe that this is a very, can be a big, very big life changer.
Janelle: Can I bring it into another example on a really small scale of like the future planning? Which was just the other day I was flying home from my dad's and I've been traveling. I'd run out of clean underwear. And so I had this one pair that I had, I had set out and I'd actually done some laundry.
And then the next morning I had already packed my bag up and I was like looking for The underwear that I had pulled to wear and I was like where is it? I can't find it And so I was starting to like have to unpack my bag that I had packed which is if anyone knows it's such so annoying And so as soon as I started I said wait, this isn't an ease Is there something else?
And then right on top was the pair of underwear that I had washed That was dry that I just hadn't thought of in my head because I had picked the black pair and this was the gray pair So I was looking for the black pair, but the clean gray pair was right there And I was like, oh here it is. This is what i'm supposed to be wearing it sounds so silly But as soon as I got stuck in the like, oh i'm making this harder than it is If I take a step back then the answer was right there
Andrea: Love it. Solution staring you in the face.
Janelle: Exactly the easefulness is what provided the solution.
Andrea: Okay. So let's move on now to distrust. So I think we have both talked about making a plan. The other person knows the plan. And then we follow up or provide a reminder just in case for some reason they've gone crazy and they forgot. So what that really indicates is that there's some kind of a mistrust of this person having heard us, having understood us, or doing what they say they were going to do. this is just another waste of energy,
Janelle: Energy or attention, those words can be used simultaneously in what we're talking about here. But yes, it's like, Oh, I am trying to be responsible for someone else. I'm almost in a way undermining their ability to be responsible for themselves.
Andrea: Yes, and what comes up for me, though, even as I agree with you is that when someone else's consequences are hanging in the balance like a child's, and I know that the person that's supposed to pick her up is not always so tuned into the time, it's really hard not to send that text.
Janelle: Yeah.
Andrea: You know, I'm good at some stuff, my husband's good at other stuff, and we balance each other out. But he forgets things.
Janelle: And maybe that's the point is actually there is discernment. So maybe when your child's welfare is at stake, that is when you send the text. But if you push that habit into everything else, then it's not good.
Andrea: Makes sense. Okay, so let's get into releasing responsibility. I actually remember the day that this particular example happened for you. So, take it away.
Janelle: Oh my gosh. Yes. So when I got divorced, I gave up my role as overseeing the property management for our real estate. We had a couple of different properties I realized that I had attachment to being a quote unquote good property manager, yet it was the thing I was getting paid the least to do, the thing I enjoyed the least, and the thing that took up the most amount of time and energy.
But somehow I had attached me being good at that to my contribution to our relationship, to my worth, all sorts of things. so I couldn't feel I could pass it off Because it was like mine to control and I was the one who was doing it really well. And only I could do it kind of ridiculous ideas.
And I ended up hiring someone to help and like the year prior before the divorce. And then when we got divorced, I was like, Oh, okay, I'm going to pass it off to him. And then just literally one day I said, okay, here are all the passwords. I might as well have lost 50 pounds.
Andrea: Was fucking monumental.
Janelle: Monumental of the amount of attention and energy that I got back to my life. amount of pleasure I was able to receive in my life. I mean, like it just opened up so much more space. really mind blowing to me how I was holding on so tightly to something that was not serving me.
Andrea: habit, though. It was like very deep in you. my example is Just as a mom, it's really hard to release responsibility as your child gets older. And I have to say, I thought that I was tricking this phenomenon. I thought I had created a hack because I was like, Oh, I'm not a helicopter mom.
I kept my career. I have my own life. I have my own individual personality. My daughter isn't my whole life, which I thought was really important.
Janelle: And so in that you were like, Okay, so when she gets older, like, I'm totally going to be fine. Is that what you thought?
Andrea: like I'm not gonna go through that or it won't be as bad and I'm still thinking of that when she leaves for college too, of course She is 14 now and she needs me much less and yet It's really hard for me to release the responsibility of doing things for her. I am clinging Being needed and I'm mourning the stuff.
She no longer needs me for It's just a rite of passage I have to go through, it's fine. And I think part of my process in doing that is trying to be discerning, and letting go of a few things, and putting more energy into more meaningful things. You know, letting go of laundry, making sure I sit for half an hour or more when she's in the mood to talk.
Janelle: Right. Yeah, because what I'm also hearing is that she actually needs to learn to do her laundry, And so and some of these things are like beneficial skills, but I'm sure there's some kids who don't end up learning that in high school.
Andrea: I didn't.
Janelle: So I hear you, right? You're teaching her skills, even though you're like, Oh my gosh, like I feel needed. If I do your laundry, I'm going to, I'm going to teach you how to do your own laundry in this beautiful way.
Andrea: That's a balance. Okay, let's move on to outsourcing. Good old outsourcing. there's a book called that we should all be millionaires by Rachel Rogers. My friend, Sylvia suggested I read this. It's like outsourcing everything. what can you outsource? What can you identify as your weakness? Something you don't want to spend time doing and hire someone else to do it. So I hear that. And it was VA in the beginning, virtual assistant. Eventually I did that and I thought it's one of the best decisions I made in my life. However, I specifically remember growing up and having this conversation. My whole family, we called them SIS's, stupid idea sessions where we would sometimes get together and just throw out the craziest ideas, like let's join the circus or whatever.
And one these ideas happened to be, we should get a maid. that'd be so great. Like, have a housekeeper. we were not a family that could have done that or would have done that. But we were talking about that and I remember my mom just being really hurt because she's like no this is the stuff that I do every day.
This is my livelihood what if we decided to bring someone in to do your cheerleading and do your homework Be in your plays that you love and practice your piano. It's like how would you feel and I just I never forgot that conversation I mean, I was probably only like 12 at the time this was the things that she was good at.
She took pride in doing. And so I see that.
So I don't want to take away the fact that like some people love doing the laundry and making their kids lunches and cleaning the house. And I also get some satisfaction out of doing those things too. There's nothing wrong with that. And can you find a few of those things that matter less to you or that you don't enjoy doing as much and outsource them?
Janelle: Yes. I'm actually sitting with your mom's story. I really appreciate that of just like, Oh, here's the thing that is my contribution that she's valuing highly, even if someone else wasn't valuing and how like she really did. And so really appreciate that. I'm aware that cleaning is not the thing that I was put on this earth for when I bought my house at 26, I remember the thing is the two things I did before I had even moved in was I had a dishwasher installed and I hired a cleaning person I knew that there was no way I was going to be hand washing dishes and that even though I was making so little money and this house was like at the absolute max end of what I could afford at that time, I knew that cleaning the house was going to take three hours of my time, but then I was going to be so annoyed on the day that I had to clean that for the three hours before I had to, I started cleaning, I was going to be annoyed.
And then I was going to clean. And then the three hours is after I cleaned, I was going to be annoyed that I had to spend a cleaning. So like nine hours were going to be wasted on a three hours worth of work. It was so clear to me and that the 40, I remember how much I paid the 40
Andrea: 40. That would be amazing.
Janelle: Back in the day, to have my house clean was so worth it. I would work extra hours in order to do that because it does the translation from for how much energy it cost me.
Andrea: Yeah, that's a good tallying too not just the three hours, but the dreading and the resenting as well.
Janelle Yes, and I think that's actually the, invisible attention energy suck.
Andrea: that you don't think about. You're just like, it only takes three hours. And I'm realizing as you say this, that I never spend three hours cleaning the house. I weave it into my life continuously. When I'm washing my face in the morning. Oh, Looks like the back of the toilet needs a little dusting. So I'm gonna do that right now. It does take my time. So it's something to think about. Okay. You hired a VA too.
Janelle: Yes, and I will say back to the book. we should all be millionaires. my spirit son, who's 29, who is an entrepreneur and is definitely looking for all the hacks and all the ways.
Andrea: To clarify, she's saying spirit son, and that's her stepson. he did do what, the book says, which is that he like calculated how much is his time worth? And even though he's actually not getting paid a lot because he's seeking funding and like seeking investors and all of that, that he realized, but his time is better spent fundraising in the future for like future money than cleaning and going grocery shopping.
Janelle: And for me, when I hired a virtual assistant, Same thing. I realized I had held on to some things like such pride in my ability to do spreadsheets and be organized and create systems, thinking that I was the only one who could do something like that. And I was the best person to do it for and like not realizing that, actually, even if they weren't doing it as quote unquote good as I was doing it, that my time could still be better spent.
Andrea: Fear in the VA was about releasing my schedule, not having control over my schedule, also just being egocentric. I remember the three to five club meeting where I was thinking about hiring a VA and chatting with the other members about that. and I expressed who's going to want to do all this shit that I don't want to do.
And they were like, um, lots of people you're thinking that everyone's like you and everyone's not like you. some people want to work five hours a week. Some people love doing the stuff you're talking about. Some people have a baby and need to work part time or whatever. it really was me being egocentric and I thought, Oh yeah, some people would love this.
This is how much they want to be paid. This is what they want to spend their time doing. So that was just a big aha moment for me. Let's dive into some small hacks about how we can help our bravehearts do this. So how is it that we opened up spaciousness for our attention? One of the things that I did was I turned off shared calendars. I had shared calendars with you. I had it with my ex husband for longer after we'd gotten divorced, not that I was looking at it.
Janelle: I didn't think. And then suddenly I was like, why is this still on here? and I was like, Oh, this is taking up energy. I don't need, this is not worth my
Andrea: Yeah. it's really key. So just last week in the car. My friend, let's call her Tiffany. she's been divorced for five years and she said she just now hid her ex husband's calendar from view. Obviously she does sometimes still need to look at it as they have a child together, but overall it causes her way more grief than convenience because she.
Looks ahead to scheduling conflicts. That he will inevitably take care of, but she starts to worry about them before he takes care of them. She also sees when he's going to see his new love interest, which she really doesn't need to see. And she is also currently, in a sense, monitoring or watching his spending because they still share a bank account credit card. And that's really no good. something she still has to work out, but she's watching and seeing how much money he's spending. And that's just really not helpful for her either.
Janelle: Agreed.
Andrea: But it is hard to let go of those. It's not even about control. I'd say for she and I were somewhat similar creatures in this way. We just have this need to know about what's going on, even though I don't want to control it, even though she's not telling her ex husband what to do. I just want to know.
Janelle: Right. And I think that is, I don't even know how to describe it, but That need to know, which is on me, because I relate to it, it's so devious, It's me doing that to myself, that need to know, because that need to know is actually Causing me either pain, suffering or sucking my energy.
Andrea: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So this is our own self sabotage, really. Yeah.
Janelle: Yeah. something else that I've done is this is pretty old school, but I've signed up for junk mail removal for both emails and snail And I actually like going through the mail in front in terms of like tasks that like we'd like or don't like. but I just realized that there were So much junk mail and it reduced my junk mail by maybe 75 percent I forget if it's you go to like reduced. I don't even know you have to look it up on Google,
Andrea: For email, you mean?
Janelle: No, this is for snail mail. And then for emails I went through and unsubscribed everything.
Andrea: Got it.
Janelle: Yeah. So snail mail is a junk mail removal. there's a resource out there.
Andrea: Okay.
Janelle: and then there's also one For emails that I've gone through and like unsubscribed.
Andrea: This brings me to another concept. Just to throw it out there that there is this thing we do where we go to our emails and we spend a little bit of time seeing who emailed us. And then we leave, we go do something else. Even though we just realized there's five or six tasks sitting in that inbox. And the speaker I heard likened it to.
Going to the mailbox and. Let's say in the days when you used to get like five or six important things and getting them out, looking at them and then putting them back in the mailbox, a little bit silly. So you're spending your energy looking, but not delegating, not assigning and not completing.
And it is definitely something we tend to do throughout the day. And so it's just something to notice, you know, maybe it's a habit to break, it is spent energy that then clouds your mind. And then you just have to go back and do later. It's really a form of procrastination in a sense, but it is a waste of our attention.
Janelle: Agreed. The other thing back to the emails is, as I said, started this podcast, everything in the world, marketing and advertising wise is competing for attention, Every single time you go do anything, they're asking for your email that they can send you an email. what I realized is that all of these shops that are sending me stuff, I know when I need something, they don't need to remind me.
I know when I need something, and I'm a sales shopper and I love finding a deal and yet I have probably spent way more on things that were on sale that I didn't really need versus paying full price for the things that I really needed at the moment that I really needed them.
Andrea: Yeah. Plus you go to the store and then you look around, you buy something else. it's just a waste.
Janelle: And then the other thing I have done, which is, is turned off all notifications Facebook, calendar, Nest, all my apps. I just went through and it's like, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, like the ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. even if they weren't on sound, they were just like visuals, was again, a waste of my attention.
Andrea: Yeah, there's like a little change I made accidentally on my phone recently where I have notifications for things I need notifications for. Let's say just WhatsApp and text, but on my front screen, it just says five notifications. The notifications don't appear. And you can choose the format, of course, for how these appear, like a bar or full readership.
But if I just see five notifications, I just set it aside and do it later. But if they're showing a little bit, then they pique my interest and I look. And so it really has cut down on how much I look at my phone space for me to stop and think, no, I'm going to do that later. And that's just helpful.
Janelle: Yeah, good to know. Good tip.
Andrea: I also, I don't buy anything that needs dry cleaned or ironed anymore. pretty against all of that. And if it needs dry cleaned my mom always said, she's like, most things can go in the washer on the delicate cycle. you paid like 200 for something or above.
Okay. but Otherwise you're good I worry so much less about ruining things Like I used to just oh my God Don't let my daughter or my husband transfer from the washer to the dryer because they might put something in the dryer That needs to be hanging out in the line
Janelle: That is so me. I'm very protective of my, like, washer-dryer transition.
Andrea: Me too, and I have pretty much just let it go And and i've probably i've probably ruined a couple things but you know, or if something is really delicate then I monitor it myself separately, but it is one less thing for me to worry about, for sure.
Janelle: my gosh, I love that. And there's not much where I'm like, where you're like, Oh, I'm not going to worry about this thing
Andrea: And you are. Totally.
Janelle: And so your phrase of like, I'm just not going to worry if something gets ruined or not, I'm just going to take that one and put it in my back pocket.
Andrea: Yeah, tend to, though, you have a lot of costumes and elaborate clothing that really does need attention paid to it, and I don't. and I came to the conclusion really when my daughter was young, and Oh my god, would get her clothes so dirty and they would always rip in the knee, she was always climbing trees, and she was ruining leggings.
And I'm like, Oh, so the stain didn't come out like these leggings were probably like five dollars like I'm not gonna spend time Getting the stain out or making sure they don't shrink or putting like whatever like they're just more disposable And she can wear them as a stain which I never have done.
Oh my god I would not let her go to school with stains for a long time. They still don't advocate but Meh, I definitely worry about that less too
Janelle: Yeah, I'm with you.
Andrea: So I also don't have a yoga mat anymore and I just feel so proud of this fact used to be to be something that like no, I have to possess my own yoga mats That makes me feel cool or something.
I don't know It didn't occur to me for a long time That I didn't need to have one because every yoga studio has extra yoga mats and they don't charge you for it Usually So I'm like, why worry about keeping track of a yoga mat and keeping it clean when I can just go there and use theirs? mean, some people would be like COVID germs, no way.
And I'm like, and so that's what I do every time. And it's much better. And then finally, probably the hardest one for me that I've really made progress on is that I try to release involvement in a discussion that doesn't really need
Janelle: I can't wait. I'm like suspense. What are you going to say?
Andrea: I think the most profound example is that recently my daughter and my husband began discussing. Our plan for driver's ed. So let me just tell you, it used to be so easy in my day. Um, you learned at school, there was nothing to do, but go to the class at school and you would get your license. And then on your 16th birthday, you would go to the DMV and that is not how it works anymore.
It is a very different thing. You have to hire a company. She has to take this online class that she needs to complete within six months. Then she has six hours of driving over the course of this time, blah, blah, blah. So it's a whole project and they were talking about it. And. Typically I would have gotten in on the discussion, right?
I just would have like, put in my opinion, express this, let's go here. What about this? And I just thought, I just don't need to be in that discussion.
Janelle: Right. Like they can handle it. They'll solve it.
Andrea: my husband and I obviously share the same goal. We're trying to, get the most affordable option and make sure she learns how to drive. Like, why do I need to be in on this? But it's hard to release that control. I have to tell you, and I did this with her orthodontistry, too. never saw a bill.
I don't know where her orthodontist is. I've never taken her to an appointment. And she is almost complete with her braces and retainer situation. My husband handled the entire thing, and that was kind of a big deal for me. Released it entirely to him. Like, why do we both need to participate in this? We don't. And of course, too, you know, when they come home that day, they're not gonna share shit with me, so I have to be like, so how was it? What's going on? And like, over the time, I just kind of lost interest in it. I'm like, whatever. I'm sure it's being taken care of. Like, her teeth look amazing. that was good for me, too.
That's all we got, Bravehearts.
Janelle: Yeah. Okay. For all of this talk, what is the reason? , how has it changed us? For me, I would say the paradox of having more attention available for the things that I prioritize means that everything in my life that comes more easeful, there's more abundance and it's actually less, it takes less energy. removing all the things, these like little small hacks that we just went through, the feeling in my body of freedom, I equated it to 50 pounds when I stopped doing the property management. It's a visceral feeling in my body when I have the spaciousness to put my attention where I want it to go.
Andrea: It sounds like it makes you feel lighter. Physically lighter. Makes me think about I was in a yoga class 15 years ago and this woman had super short hair and I thought what would it be like to shave my head? how would it feel not to have my hair on the back of my neck? I'm really attached to my hair I don't even put it up very often because I'm so attached to how it feels and how I think it looks.
And I thought, wow, like viscerally and mentally. And I would love to have the hair gone from my head. that would be amazing. Like, I think my best self at some point would be so ego free that I could shave my head. Even though I so don't want to. Liz Gilbert recently shaved her head.
Janelle: Yes, I saw that. All right. I've got another quick thing. So I an iPhone and I used to love, having like a really thin case, I needed a case, but it almost, I wanted to feel like I didn't have a case on my phone. It was like that kind of thin.
Cause I didn't want something bulky in my hand. Meanwhile, I'm carrying around this huge bulky purse on my shoulder that had all of my life in it. And I remember being with a friend who had this like really cool case that held four credit cards in it and I saw that and I was like, wow, that seems really cool.
And I thought, I think I want to try that. And so I ended up getting that case, put four credit cards in it and suddenly I was like, oh my gosh, I just need my phone and my keys. I actually don't even need the bag. Like, all the stuff in the bag suddenly didn't seem important anymore because really the bag, which was full of shit, was really just holding my phone, my cards, and my keys.
So where I thought I was going to be gaining something bulky in my hand, this little bit of bulk in my hand released a 10 pound bag off my shoulder that I wasn't even contemplating was an issue.
Andrea: Oh my god, I love this. I mean, this is so, such a life hack. And I think this is not only, I wonder if this is true for you, too. Because I relate to this, of course, a lot. And I forget if I've talked about this before. But, mean, I literally went from a five to ten pound purse to a less than one pound, tiny shoulder fanny pack kind of thing when I went to Costa Rica.
Janelle: I remember the moment.
Andrea: And I remember meeting you years and years ago and you had this little like leather fanny pack that went around your waist.
Janelle: Yeah. Thanks for reading, man.
Andrea: And yes, and I remember because my friend Denise Dambrakis also had one of those and it looked so kind of novel, like bold fashion choice. Remember how my daughter used to say that You have such bold fashion choices. And I equated you two because you both went to Burning Man. at the time I was just like, okay, that's a particular style, like not mine. I eventually then released my purse and now I carry around this tiny little thing, but mine was a little bit different in that I was trying to uphold an image, I think, of being that person who had everything that anyone would need at any given time. So I liked the idea that I had a sucker and a protein bar and Vaseline and some Kleenex some lotion, That if anyone's like, does anyone have some lotion? I'm like, yes, I do. this was like part of the image of myself I wanted to uphold, I think. And I was actually carrying around a lot more than my phone and my credit cards and my keys.
Janelle: No, I was too. But what I realized was that I was, I, cause I just was like, Oh, I have a big bag. I can keep putting stuff in it. But ultimately all I really needed was my phone, my credit card and my
Andrea: Got it. Yes. And, and so even now, that bag that I carry around, it's a little small.
Janelle: I will say this. think you could get rid of some of your keys. Have you? When's the last time you went through your
Andrea: Oh, you always say this to me. It's actually triggering for me because you said once, you're like, there's a way to get rid of your keys. I'm like, yes, Janelle, that costs money. It costs money to put a digital, number pad on all of your doors. And that's not money we're choosing to spend. said, well, you don't have to have keys. You can do it this way. That's true. In terms of if you go for the key code, you could also get one of those like magnetic boxes where the key is attached to your, behind your
So we have one in the back. I don't find that easy at all. I hate it. It's super annoying to open, and when it's dark, I can't see it. I fucking hate that thing. it's nice to have in the back as a backup, but I would not want to get into it every time I would get into my house. But fair enough, like, you know, you're saying, yeah, you have all these keys. Yeah, and to reduce the keys, I would have to, we'd have to redo the locks, which costs, you know, hundreds of dollars, and I'm just not willing to do. And so we have Four different doors, On my tiny house.
Janelle: Oh, they all have four key. They all have a different
Andrea: Yes. And so there's, four doors that I potentially could need at all times. And then there's the garage, which is another key. And then there's my car key. And think that's it. Yeah, that's all the keys I have.
Janelle: What I heard you say is on your key chain, you have your car key, your front door, side door, back door,
Andrea: Two front doors.
Janelle: Two front doors, side door, back door, and garage door. So the five keys on your key chain are all for your house.
Andrea: Correct.
Janelle: Why would you need all five of them at any one time?
Andrea: Well, because sometimes I park in the garage and sometimes I park on the street.
Janelle: Okay.
Andrea: mean, you know, I could go around, but that just makes the most sense. And then with the storm door in front, this is really exciting information. Storm door in the front, we leave the key in it a lot. Just kind of accidentally because when we're at home, you can't get into the front door when that key is in it.
So I need to go around to the side door. That doesn't happen that much, but occasionally it will be left in the door. I mean, I hear you. I carry them around. They make noise like I get it. And really to eliminate this, we'd have to rekey the whole house, which we could do certainly for I don't know what it would be three to 500 bucks.
It's true. I do think about it from time to time. Like, oh, yeah, we could probably
Janelle: And I think the, the, the point of this whole exchange that we just had was sometimes it is good and it can be confronting, but to have someone else question, Hey, you have this, the reason why you would need a bigger bag, in my opinion, is because you have a lot, you have this key chain that doesn't fit in the bag that you have.
Andrea: Yeah, that's true. That's one thing that doesn't fit.
Janelle: Or it's like, Oh, is there another way to look at it? Just like I didn't think there was another way to carry my credit cards until someone else showed me that there
Andrea: Exactly. And I should bring up that I do have. My ex boyfriend's key in that key chain to, to his house. Because I like to have it. It's like an extra. And I'm like, of course, I should take that off. But course I don't want to. And of course I should, cause I see it every time. Although I don't think about it that much, but still that is one key I could lose. Okay. Your job Bravehearts is to think about any situations where you might have trouble protecting your time and attention.
Janelle: Yeah and we brought up a bunch of little random things today. And if you want to invest, like, investigate what's in your purse, what's on your key chain, the ex boyfriend key is a good example. Like, is this taking energy that I'm not even aware that it's taking and could just go away.
Andrea: Yeah. Don't forget to visit permission to be human dot live. Both Janelle and I are available for coaching. We love to chat with you and,
Janelle: We look forward to hearing from you.
Andrea: Thank you.
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