How long should friendships last? Can you honor the present without projecting onto the future? Janelle and Andrea have a real-time recognition of their own relationship and dissenct the end of another. In the process, they invite Brave Hearts to embrace impermanence. There’s a nod to The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by Harriet Lerner. You’ll hear:
-Why some friendships need to end to make room for another
-How marriage and friendship is pretty darn similar
-The concept of a Soul Contract and why it matters
-How to recognize co-dependence in a friendship
-Where Andrea’s cultural conditioning of “permanence” appears
TRANSCRIPT:
Janelle: Hi, Andrea.
Andrea: This different way that you say my name. You know you say my name in this different way.
Janelle: Different way than what?
Andrea: Than everybody else.
Janelle:: People say Andrea to you.
Andrea: No, no, no. No, it's not about that. It's about your Long Island accent. And actually the only person that has ever noticed it is Lucien. He actually said it in the very beginning when you're like, this is Andrea. and he repeated it back. cause he noticed the difference.
Janelle:: So I say, this is Andrea. And what does someone else say?
Andrea: It's just a little intonation it sounds a little bit like angia when you do it. you just need to be self conscious about it because I'm just very used to it and like that's what you call
Janelle: Like, so basically I'm, I'm like slurring the D into a G.
Andrea: Yeah, a little bit, don't want you to feel self conscious about it. It doesn't matter. But it is definitely a, because I've heard other people from the East Coast do it. And so it's like, oh, it's just a little, it's just a little remnant of your accent, which I like.
Janelle:: My gosh.
Andrea: Anyway.
Janelle: And I was just in my hometown. That could be it too. That's right. Well, we're talking about friendship today. talking about friendship, Bravehearts, and we've talked in other episodes about like how expanded view of partnership and different things.
Andrea: Okay. So why are we talking about friendship today?
Janelle: what we're actually talking about is the season of seasonality. I now would use the term soul contracts. I think of contracts having a start and an end. And you know, the challenge, admittedly, with soul contracts is that you don't know the when the ending is going to be, know, admittedly, it may not even be in this lifetime. But there's this idea that not every friendship is meant to last forever. I mean, we already have this false notion that marriages are supposed to last forever.
Andrea: Exactly. Which is what it reminds me of really. It's like, there's a big theme here in the parallel with our thoughts on marriage. Like marriage is a very, very, very long commitment. And while I deeply respect the C word commitment, I don't think it's realistic to promise that you will love someone in the same way for 50 years. And I hope that I change and I hope they change to you too. And friendships really have to be treated in the same way.
Janelle: Yes, and that what's more likely to happen in friendships is that if you change, the friendships fall away. Whereas, like, if you're in quote unquote relationship, like a romantic relationship, then you're trying to at least move together.
Andrea: Yeah, that makes sense. Exactly. But I think it's in the same way that it's hard to commit to someone for 50 years in a, in a marriage. It's not like when you start your relationship with a friend, you're like, okay, we're going to be friends till we're 30. you don't really know.
Janelle: it's true, although when I was younger, I definitely, I fell head over heels in love with all of my friends, all these, like, best friend girlfriends, So there's anything wrong with that really? Like, thinking at that time you're going to be friends forever, and you're going to be friends for a long BFF.
Andrea: I know, right? So that's okay, and then you just have to be okay at accepting when things do change. Is that the idea?
Janelle: Yeah, I'm so glad to be almost 50. To be able to be sharing from the perspective of the wisdom that I've gained on this topic. because this is definitely not advice I would have had for myself when I was younger. What we're going to share on this
Andrea: Okay. So I, I am watching a friendship right now. That is ending. So it's outside of me, but it is between other people in my life, between three different people and it's heartbreaking to watch and it's easier, of course, to be objective when I'm not in it. But the bottom line I observed and why this also spoke to me when you suggested it as an episode topic was that there's this. narrative that we grasp onto when someone, pushes us away, or creates distance, or says they need alone time, or maybe doesn't say anything, they just stop answering texts, answering messages, and you think, oh my gosh, what did I do? Are they mad at me? Why aren't they sharing what's going on? It is, of course it hurts and I've been through that before. It hurts a lot, but the fact is they may not feel comfortable sharing what's going on with you, right? Or they may need to put up boundaries or they need alone time or maybe they don't feel the same energy they once did with you or they're not comfortable with their confrontation and the fact is the end of a friendship may have nothing to do with you. I think it's really hard to get to when you're in the middle of it. I was talking, um, about this with my friend last week and, you know,
Janelle: Before you go into that, I just want to reflect on that. Because what I'm hearing is it may not have something to do with you. If someone's pushing you away, but it also either may have something to do with you, or you may be the one that's pulling back.
Andrea: Right. ultimately all you can do is take care of yourself.
Janelle: Whether you're the one being pushed or the one that you're doing the pushing.
Andrea: Correct. it's just hard to know what's going on in someone's head. And I think it's, it's amazing how we. are so much fonder of holding on to the scenarios that we've made up in our heads,
Janelle: The stories.
Andrea: rather than sitting in uncertainty. We hate uncertainty so much. And I am with all of you, a hundred percent. I really hate uncertainty. I want to know, I want to know. And ultimately, so we just make up these stories about what might be happening in our friend's head. Who's rejecting us. So there's a book called The Dance of Intimacy, A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by Harriet Lerner. And she says, I believe that an absence of communication is not an absence of feeling. Instead, it might be an indication that there's so much feeling going on that the person doesn't know what to do with it.
And dropping out or tuning out is a safe way to otherwise process and cope with that giant ocean of feeling without having to give a play by play to everyone who feels entitled to it. Yeesh!
Janelle: Yeah, that's potent.
Andrea: It's really hard, but it, it is true. Which touches on the whole idea that you and I were talking about that when someone seems to withdraw or disappear, it's hard to say what, what that is about. when you're saying goodbye to a friend or putting up a boundary, it might have to do with that friend or it might have to do with your life. But ideally when you're on the other side, ideally you can take that friendship with that person to maybe a different, healthier level that isn't about the grasping and the holding on and the insisting. But about letting go and allowing and giving grace. And I think that's a really hard step to take, but ultimately that's, you know, stepping back and saying, okay, what this person needs now is distance. What this person needs is space. And I think this is, takes me right back to cultural conditioning, which is what we talk about a lot on the podcast, which is, we think friendship is supposed to look a very particular way. We like predictability. Some people think that everything should be shared all the time, but the fact is friendship can look lots of different ways, just like marriage, parented success, and so on. So again, just letting go of form.
Janelle: Yeah, and, I remember being at my mom's funeral, and how many women stood up and said Phyllis was their best friend. I didn't realize that about her until then, it also made me realize that if I was to die at any given moment, I would have had several women say that about me. the piece is that Just like we were talking about Polly, Is that when we have different friends, like I do have lots of different friends and they each hold like a different frequency. So all the relationships look different. Like I don't have anyone else who holds the pole of friendship that you and I have in my life.
Right. And I, yet I have other friendships that are as important, but just in a totally different way. so I think that there's like a beautiful breadth of variety, of depth, of possibilities when we allow ourselves to be met and to meet another friend in where the overlap is easeful and graceful. There's ease and grace again.
Andrea: I'm seeing the Venn diagram too, that you love so much. And yeah, actually that makes me think also that so the older we get, work we do on ourselves, the more grounded and complete we feel on our own, and the less we need someone else, even like a friend or a partner to complete us.
And so when I was, you know, less mature, I was like, oh no, I, I need to be needed by you and I need you to complete me. I need you in my life. I was feeding off other people, which is normal, of course, in any relationship. But I think as I came to know myself better, that I'm just more accepting of like, okay, like we're friends in this way, but we're not friends in this way.
Janelle: Right. I call you for this, but I don't call you for this. I call someone else for that.
Andrea: Exactly. And being, just being okay with that, where I think, yeah, when you're less emotionally immature, that's harder to do. You feel hurt because you thought, you thought you were their best friend.
Janelle: You know, but I do think that there is this term like soul contracts came up, right? Because I have lived a life of very immersive, intense friendships with different women. And I give a lot of me to someone. Mostly girlfriends. You know, I wasn't in relationship with my ex husband until I was 40. So that meant my primary relationships from 0 to 40 were with women. the term sole contract and best friend. I'd like to dig into that a little bit because sole contract in general feels like contract reminds me of like corporate real estate, something on paper.
Andrea: And that doesn't feel good to me. so tell me why it feels better to you. And the term best friend is also something I've often rejected. the thing is like when you're 14, you know, you have a best friend and I, I mean I did too, but for most of my life, I feel like I didn't like, and it wasn't like the fab four or like, I remember my, my mother in law asking me that about my wedding. None of my wedding, people knew each other. They were all separate, completely separate. I had one on ones with all of them. But none of them were my best friends. They were all just different types of friends. I mean, however it looks for you is fine. there's a little release of pressure of like, if you don't have a best friend, that's okay.
Janelle: Yeah, I think it's good that we're covering this vocabulary and I think I want to just like call out like this, we were talking about like the end of friendships, but we're really in this moment talking about how are we even defining friendships.
Andrea: Yeah, which is good.
Janelle: For me I had best friends one at a time Growing up, but then I I had several at a time that were like very deep. I just didn't see them as frequently as like the one pillar so, like, one lived in New York and one lived in L. A. So, like, Anastasia was in New York, Erin was in L. A., and Jeannie was the one I saw every day, talked to all the time, in Denver. And lived our lives together, and we worked together, and at times lived together, and, was at the birth of her child, I think that the way that I have been with women. I think it's probably actually pretty unique. the intensity that I bring to my friendships. I don't know that everyone else has that capacity. I think it's because I was single, for such a long time. And like, I was such an open heart. I also think I had codependency, which I'll talk about.
I'm squeezing my hand, but like, it's not even, it's not a constriction. It didn't necessarily feel like a grasping, but it was like a deeply intense friendship. Like, I feel like you and I have had a time, like, deeply intense friendship, and like, I have had that always since I was three.
Andrea: Yeah, it's really about what I was just talking about last night. It's about loving big. Do you think you're the same in romantic relationships or no?
Janelle: So yes, but I think that because I Until my husband, I didn't have anyone else who, who at that
Andrea: Role.
Janelle: In any of my other relationships that were romantic.
Andrea.: Got it. All right, so tell me about soul contracts.
Janelle: So soul contracts is a term that was offered to me during a psychic session that I had to describe one of my friendships. 2016. Was when I had the session and Jeannie and I had been best friends for 20 years and I called her my soulmate We met when I was 19 We had visions of Hanging out in our 80s together. We lived together. We worked together. I was in her wedding. I was at the birth of her child We traveled together vacation together
Andrea: Yeah, it's huge. I've never had anyone like that. Like, that's crazy. And good.
Janelle: Yeah, like she would stay at my parents house I mean it was very very very very very intertwined And even when she got married and had a child I was an extension of their family it was three of them and me and That was just part of my life and I could not imagine my life without her and Everyone who knew me was like, oh, there's Janelle.
Oh and then how's Jeannie? and it was very expansive, like I learned so much from her, and her from me, I'm assuming. but what happened was that there's a transition that happened and I realized I was no longer happy working at her company where I had worked for 15 years. And When I decided to leave, I honestly didn't know who I was without that job. My career, best friend, friendships, family, and social life, and the city I lived in, were all tied together.
Trying to transition out of that friendship that is during that time that I had the psychic session, and she was like oh, this is a soul contract. And it wasn't meant to last forever. But she was speaking from like a spiritual or energetic level. And at that time I was very much in my human personality existence and could not really fathom what she was talking about with ease and grace.
So even though when this transition was happening, I just started dating the man who became my husband, And it took me five plus years to heal the pain and the confusion of the transitioning of that friendship.
Andrea: So let me back up. I think after you left working with her, you went on a six month travel. And so how did you leave it when you left her?
Janelle: It was abrupt. because I thought I was going to work there forever. Right? I had essentially committed, like, it was essentially I was like in a marriage that wasn't romantic.
Andrea: Wow. It's fascinating.
Janelle: So I had already worked with her for 15 years and thought I was there until I retired.
Andrea: You were, you were getting sold for 15 years. That is a long time to work somewhere, I mean, especially at a place like that, it's not like.
Janelle: It's not corporate, it's not like, yes, it's not like I had a 401k, it's not like, yes, I didn't have golden handcuffs.
Andrea: It's so interesting and you were just working two blocks away from me for a few years there anyway, so okay so you left it was kind of abrupt
Janelle: It wasn't that it was abrupt, I actually ended up giving seven months notice. it wasn't like, here's two weeks, but it was still, like, there were so many levels of connection there wasn't a thought that I was ever gonna leave. And, When I decided to leave I honestly didn't know who I was and so I decided to do that six months of travel To find myself.
I refinanced my house Put it up for rent I journaled and I had a very like limited agenda But all I knew was like I had to go and like come home to myself I don't even know if I use those terms back then in 2016, but I was like, I don't even know, should I stay in Denver?
Like, who am I? What I did know was that I was not in any state to go find another job because I couldn't even imagine my life outside of the context that had been in for so long. And what I see now is that that friendship needed to end. in order for me to have room for my relationship with my husband. Because essentially I was in a marriage that wasn't from an energetic perspective, There wasn't room for someone else to come in. Like no surprise that I actually have been single that whole time.
Andrea: You been dating
Janelle: For sure. And I would also say it needed to end so that I could have a relationship with myself. I was benefiting hugely. There was fulfilling parts of this for me for sure, like I'm not taking that away. But I was essentially living her dream life.
This was her company. This was her family. This was, her town. I had to was holding her up and she was holding me up, but I hadn't, I found, what is it that I want? I mean, asking the question, what is it that I want? I had never asked the question and not have her involved.
Andrea: Just veering off for a moment. What was the catalyst for this? what made you have a change of heart?
Janelle: Basically came to recognition. I had thought at different times, maybe I should leave. And then I always came back and then I realized I was unhappy and I couldn't put, a pin or a finger on it. it was basically me, my personality trying to tell my soul, Oh, I know what you're going to do for the rest of your life.
You're going to like be working marketing in a lingerie store in Denver for the rest of your life. And my soul being, are you fucking kidding me? You've got a thousand other things you're supposed to be doing. Why are you still doing this? so in this way, it had nothing to do with Jeannie. I had nothing to do, it had nothing to do with me.
I had to be like, I just was supposed to live a totally different life. it gave me the foundation of all the skills that you know that I'm using today, but I needed to go live them. And I was really staying in a very, very, very, very tiny part of myself. And I didn't know that. But I was starting to get unhappy.
I became unhappy. And finally I was like, I just have to do something different. I have to say, I'm not staying versus I'm staying.
Andrea: Wow. think it's just an amazing transformation that that even happened to you. I'm so glad that you became aware suddenly you're like, wait a second. Something's off here. And so let's break it down for Bravehearts. Like what. Did coded dependency look like? I mean, I know, but I feel like examples are always helpful. Would you say getting that enmeshed with anyone is always a bad thing or can it be a good thing?
Janelle: I would say there were so many good things this relationship, was heartfelt, like, expansive. I learned so much about myself. and I also just want to name, like, we're still friends, don't see them very often, but they're in my heart in a way but as I now understand spiritual growth, you need to heal a pattern in order to move on from it. Otherwise, you're going to go into it again. And so the enmeshment and the codependency that I had with Jeannie, I didn't heal it. I just left that, that friendship. cause I didn't, I didn't know I had it.
I didn't, that wasn't a term I was using then. I didn't know. I was just like, Oh, something I need to do something different. Let's go find what that is. I then ended up meeting my boyfriend who becomes my husband. And so I brought that codependency into my relationship with him. I allowed myself to and mesh with him in such a way that, and I can say that this is what happened with her without me knowing at the end was that my light was getting dimmed is in that my light was getting dimmed with him.
Only he saw it and didn't want it. And I was not saying she wanted it, but he had the awareness of being like, this isn't mine. I'm not asking you to do this. I'm not asking you to with me.
And so, it was with Ham that I was able to see the pattern and finally break it. Which, you know, was obviously very worthwhile and very painful.
Andrea: how did you remove that codependency? I think that's the, that's the hard
Janelle: Well, if you remember, it was you who brought it to my
Andrea: I know. I'm like, what did I say?
Janelle: I think you just used the word. I don't actually remember, but I, I vaguely recall something saying like, you saying like, I think you seemed codependent. and I was like, what?
Andrea: Right. Cause it feels like a. A shameful word or
Janelle: Well, not only that, but anyone looking from the outside in would have said I was very independent.
Andrea: I know what you mean, because you're an independent person. I remember when it was. and I was like, what? But then I asked my friend, my, another friend, like, the next day, Sophie. different Sophie. and she was like, yeah. She was like, I could see that. And I was like, what? And she was like, and I have a therapist who specializes in codependency. Wow.
Janelle: That and I was like let me get to the bottom of it and then they don't and that's when I do what I Do which is when something becomes into my awareness whether as a shadow or as a desire I like jump all the way in started seeing Debra like every week. I read books did rituals And it was a multi year journey
Andrea: You were the one that helped me discover my codependence also, anyway, back to friendships. So as far as Jeannie goes, like, you know, we're still friends and I still love her. just because we don't have as much in common now does not negate the impact she had on me during that time. I don't see her or her family very often anymore. But she is by far, by far, by far, one of the most impactful relationships of my lifetime.
Janelle: I'm grateful to her and cherish the thousands of moments and fun adventures we had together. so back to what the psychic was saying was that that term soul contract helped me see that that relationship was foundational to who I have become I do believe that in one example of the codependency example that was a pattern I needed to break And so I get to like see it with her and then had a chance to break it with my husband there are skills and desires and things.
I mean, I bought my house because of her. She helps me. I have, cause from New York, no one bought houses when they were 26 in New York. Like that was just like, at least in Long Island, it was so expensive and you wait until you're married with kids in your like late, in your early thirties. And so she was like, no, you're going to live with me and you're going to buy a house.
So like there were things that she like by my really blew open to that have You know, plus me working in lingerie for 15 years now really Is a foundation to like who I am today as a dressing up as a goddess in the goddess temple so there was so much that I learned from it as well
Andrea: can you walk us through how that was for you guys? yeah,
Janelle: Oh, yeah, really painful. We didn't talk for a very very long time
Andrea: like we're talking like three months or two years.
Janelle: I would say we tried to navigate it Talking every couple of months and that was that was really really painful in a way It was I mean looking back on it now. I haven't thought about it a long time It was definitely like going through a divorce. That was confusing and messy and Unclear and Yet we knew here and this foundation was here and we like had this vision of like, okay we're gonna like Still say friends and this is really painful and confusing So I would say we've seen each other, once a year since then.
Andrea: And so what I'm hearing is that you distanced yourself because you quit and you left on this trip. And so was she like, what did I do? What the fuck? or
Janelle: I would be putting words in her mouth, I think there was, there was relief on her end as well. Like I don't think it was super beneficial on her end, right? Like me being there as an unhappy employee isn't great.
I was an exception in so many ways. I had been there for so long. I was there the longest. Like it also made her life more complicated. So there's, I'm sure freedom for both of us in different ways that came through. and we talked about that over time.
Andrea: You feel like you navigated it with her together, or was it a lot of you, navigating it.
Janelle: Yeah, navigating it separately for the most part, because for me, I really had to see who I was without her. So I I couldn't navigate the breakup with her when I was trying to discover who I was.
Andrea.dup1.cm: Yeah, see that.
Janelle:: And like the breakup, like I said, was for me, it was this like energetic soul necessity. at a very spiritual level when I wasn't spiritual,
I had none of the words, I had none of the vocabulary, none of the understanding. That was my first, psychic session. That I'm talking about where I heard this term soul contract but since then I'm able to see how oh I Have had soul contracts with other friends Many times in my life It was just so sad that I never thought that was gonna relationship was gonna end. Whereas my other relationships that ships that ended with these other girlfriends, like my best friend Roxanne, she went to high school when she was 14, that same day I went to junior high and I was 12. We had been inseparable for six years after school and we never spoke again.
My brother to this day does not understand, and I'm like, oh, I. Now I know that it was a total sold contract and we were just done both of us were done mean we live five houses apart. She never tried calling me. I never tried calling her
Andrea: I think I just got this whole contract thing. I'm like, it mixes together these kind of Disparate ideas like a soul is deep and meaningful and contract is Time limited right and you're mixing them together and you're like no It was really deep and it had a limit which is not something we usually mix together, so I think I like it I can I'm kind of adapting to it now because you don't want to take away from the depth of it, But you also don't want to Want to be in fantasy land thinking that you're going to be together and you're 80 Because you might not And now I'm so aware that especially in all these workshops that I've been in and these containers that I'm in That are fixed time periods That I can go really deep with someone in a short period of time, and then I now know when that container's over, I've moved on. I'm not going to be the person who's like, oh that was the best week of my life, or the best month, I'm like, oh no, because I've got another one happening in a month. so I now am aware that I get to set the expectation for people who feel the depth of my connection to say, I can say, Oh, and I'm not likely going to be in touch
It's like your burning man story of like dancing with this person Do you know what? I mean where you like have this intense connection on the dance floor and he's like, oh We're together now Or we're gonna we're gonna stay together this day or this and you're like no actually
Janelle: This is just the moment. This is like, this moment is here, but it actually just happened. my dear friend, Gabby, she was in this container that I was just in the six month container, priestess of arrows. And she and I had a conversation, we're very strongly connected.
She's like, what happens if you leave me? And I was like, I am going to leave you. this is for right now. and she was like, oh, great. I can relax then. Right? So for her, like, it was an energetic piece for her that was thinking she had to hold on tight. But once she knew that She didn't have to hold on at all because it was just beyond our control.
Andrea: Whoa, that's pretty profound right there I'm hearing you say, like, stop. It's like stop grasping.
Janelle: Yeah, and she just literally went like, just opened her hands and like, boop. And her role in my life in this moment, like into the today of now, is so deep and so profound. And who knows how long it's gonna last. I expect it actually will continue for a while. She's coming to my birthday and stuff, but it is.
I was able to set the expectation. My experience is I'm not the person to count on for the long haul friendship. And that doesn't detract at all from the level and depth of the love and the change and the impact that you have had on me.
Andrea: Ugh, it's like an ocean of profound, profundity and, just system adjustment for me. I know you're totally right and I'm with you and I think this is at the root of our entire personal development we've had over the last five or ten years. . This is about embracing impermanence.
I feel like I had a preoccupation with permanence. I remember meeting people randomly because I was always meeting people randomly because I was super extroverted and thinking we're totally going to keep in touch. going to have barbecues one day in our yard with our children.
I'm always planning for the future. And like, this is going to be more. And, It's just like such a different mindset and I, I see the relief in it and I see the lack of codependence in it and I see the beauty of it, but it is almost like I can look back and be like, wow, I've actually just come a long way from that.
And it's, and it was a hard thing to detach from this idea of holding on tight and not letting go of anything, whether that's like, a house we're living in or a partner I'm with or. stage my daughter is at or anything, I think a couple of things happen. One, it helps you focus on the now and the present and be like, let's enjoy what we have right now. and two, it's honoring everyone's particular evolution and growth journey away from you potentially.
Janelle: Yes. Jeannie obviously also grew, it's not like she didn't grow, but we just grew in very different directions, I'll also say that I do have, like, a very special friend, Anastasia. Hi, Stage. She's
Andrea: Hi Anastasia, I've heard about you so much. I can't wait to meet you sometime.
Janelle: My friend since
Andrea: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, amazing.
Janelle: met her boyfriend when she was 19, got married at 22, were you stage 23, has three boys, the oldest ones in college. has lived within one mile of her hometown, her entire life in Brooklyn, New York. she and I have lived very, very, very, very, very, very different lives. we have managed to. see each other through each other's evolution, even when she's looked at me like the past year and been like, Oh, okay, I'm with you.
I'm with you on the ride. I'm little nervous, not my favorite chapter of your life, but I'm here with you. I also want to acknowledge, I think that that given the amount of change that I have undergone, that I have someone who's actually been able to stay with me. Who is not in this life at all, who does not, like, in my life, in terms of like, doesn't resonate, embody any part of it, and yet is able to see me, accept me, love me, and is like, okay, I'm here for you if you ever need anything, So in that case, like she and I, our soul contract is for this lifetime. It feels like, because we've made it this far. and I think soul contracts to me, like, Week long intensives, who knows how long yours and mine is, right? But right now, we're both feel so alive, We'll know that it'll end when someone's like, Okay.
Andrea: It's not working for me.
Janelle: And it doesn't mean like, my gosh, it's not like, and none of this is worth it.
Andrea: Course! Yeah.
Janelle: Wouldn't have gotten through the last five years without you.
Andrea: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just taking it all in. And it's something, it's funny because I have said, I said to someone just a couple days ago, I think I said to my husband, I was like, My goodness, I'm like, Janelle in my life could they be any more different?
Janelle: Anastasia would say yes. Yes.
Andrea: I know, I know, because I was just thinking, I'm like, nope, she has me beating that department. But , our day to day is so different. and of course, we talk way less than we used to. like, we used to Vox, like, multiple times a day. And now, sometimes it's just like a couple times a week. we just have really different lives and what we still bond about many things and so that's okay and so this is a different season of our friendship than It even was a few years ago just because so much growth has happened even in that time. But what I would also say is, even though the podcast is, believe it or not, Braveheart's a passion project of ours. It is we just recorded the 40th episode.
Janelle: It actually does feel like work for me, for some reason. And it's work in the sense that, I'm supposed to be doing this, this is feeding a bigger picture, all of this, and so to me, you are my connection point to this aspect of my career. And we're still totally tied as friends, but you're the only person who holds this part of my career aspect of my friendship or this part of it. Like I don't like, whether it's the writing, it's the creative, it's all that, right?
Andrea: Yeah, I think it's the intersection also just like
Janelle: Oh, intersection is a better
Andrea: Yeah, of my personal passion with my career, like all those rivers are flowing to the same ocean now and yours are as well. And that's where we meet. Yes. And so it remains, and this podcast is a big tool for our own personal development. Like we talk things out, we express, we figure things out, we share. Cause ironically, I hear you saying that we don't box as much.
Janelle: However, we are now spending six hours a week. Twice a month, or we never did. So we're actually probably talking more now than we did before, but just in a structured, organized, and productive way.
Andrea: And there are also things that, like, you'll tell me and I'll be like, What? Like, you didn't tell me that! You're like, oh, did I not tell you that? It was like a month ago or, you know, whatever, which is fine. There's no problem with that. It's just, we miss some of the daily things.
Janelle: What we're here to do is actually to synthesize the important things, so we're communicating the messages, because that feels like the bigger purpose now of our friendship, is we don't have to process everything together, we're actually here to try to like explain what our experiences of life are to give everyone else more permission to be their version of themselves.
Andrea: Think what we're really talking about here is the journey of friendship. And mistakes and the malmarkers or the way they begin, the way they end, the way they may end. And how tight of a grip You should have on them.
Janelle: I'm 50, I've never had a child, but obviously I went through now a lifetime with friends having kids, I have several girlfriends right now who are in their young, in their early 30s, who will most likely eventually have kids, and I'm really clear that, oh, when they have kids, like, I'm like, we're not going to be as close, it's just not a shared experience, Unless, like, I'm a grandmother at that exact same time.
Andrea: Uh, sure. That could align.
Janelle: might align, and I'm aware of that too. But that, you know, that it's just like, oh, no, like, there's, we all have our different chapters, and as someone who has women as friends who are 20 years younger than me and 20 years older than me, that there's also different life experiences that we're in at any given moment.
Alright, brave hearts, So, Andrea and I have just realized we've, like, basically processed, our own relationship. what does that mean? What does it look like? How long does it last? And, I remember working with Lucien. He was our business coach that helped, gave us the idea to start a podcast.
When he said if you're gonna do this like this is like a three year commitment at least with each other We're at one and a half years in to that commitment
Andrea: Right, and when we were working together and doing joint services, we had different companies, we had joint services, when we were with our 3 to 5 club community, and we were always like, pitching to clients, and People are always like, you should really have a written contract about being together. Cause you might change your mind or you might have a fallout or you might do something. You're like, yeah, I guess we should do that. But we never did,
Janelle: We never did right because apparently we have a sole contract. We just don't know what we know it started We just don't know when it's gonna end
Andrea: Yeah. And we're okay with dealing with that when it comes. yeah, so just a little upset on friendship.
Janelle: Yeah friendship the term sole contract the way to Yeah, I recognize that there's different types of friendships, and everyone having their own offering.
Andrea: Yeah. And I had to recognize codependency in a friendship and when you might be grasping. And not realizing it. So I think it's, it's easy to just become blind to that.
Janelle: Yeah, and I do think, the reason why a soul contract ends is, is not because there's anything ultimately wrong. It's because it's making room for the next thing. So I also really want to name that, like my whole life as I'm living it now, living now, I could not have been in that same friendship and been the person I am now. They didn't go hand in hand to the way that we were the way that we were living our lives. The way I was living my life.
Andrea: Right. I see that. It's a little bit like emptying the channel the same way.
Janelle: And so I think sometimes I'm like, Oh, I can feel the soul contract and it ends gracefully. And then there was the time that I didn't understand it because the relationship meant so much to me. And I couldn't imagine my life without it. In the same way that it was.
Andrea: Being terrified of the other person leaving, whether that's a partner or a friend mom or whatever. for listening brave hearts. We love you and we honor your friendships. Be sure and visit permission to be human dot live. If you want to hire Janelle or me for coaching and, have a great week.
Janelle: Love you.
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