Ep 101: Andrea at 50: Ease, Flow & Dom/Sub Dynamics in Everyday Life

What happens when you start asking for exactly what you want? Relief! Andrea says relief! Janelle interviews Andrea and they cover dom/sub dynamics, anti-depressants, conscious endings, why she stopped saying “I don’t know”, and how monogamy is working for her. This isn’t just a milestone—it’s a midlife metamorphosis, and it comes from a softer, less ruthless place than ever before. And she gets passionate about helping women with mid-life meh do the same. There’s a nod to Florence and the Machine, Trader Joes, Sophie Howell’s spirit crowns and language empowerment, as well as Andrea Gibson’s poetry. You’ll hear:

-The wild art of asking for what you actually want

-The bizarre relief of letting someone else decide

-Her release of shame around anti-depressants

-How Andrea stopped saying “I don’t know”, because she DID know

-Why she really does love to be told what to do

-Her seasons of polyamory and monogamy

-Celebrations of Florence, Trader Joe’s, silent discos and rocky mountain trailrunning

TRANSCRIPT:

Janelle Orion 00:00

Janelle, struggling to discuss sex and intimacy with your partner, not feeling met, seen or heard in your relationships. I'm Janelle And I'm Andrea. We're two midlife Mavericks sharing our own experiences, messy, AF and no regrets with marriage, divorce, polyamory and pleasure. We've learned that when you're brave enough to figure out what you want and ask for it, with partners, friends, family and most importantly, yourself, you'll feel more alive and free question everything, especially your mother's advice. There's no rom com formula for this. But don't panic. Being alone matters, honey, I can't miss you if you don't leave, what if your breakup

Andrea Enright 00:41

could be your breakthrough? Our podcast is for brave hearts.

Janelle Orion 00:45

Anyone who seeks or has found the courage to confront their fears and limiting beliefs about breaking societal norms in the spirit of finding their truth.

Andrea Enright 00:54

If you're seeking permission to be brave in your relationships and want to feel less alone along the way we got you.

Janelle Orion 01:08

Hi friend, hi friend, I'm Andrea and I'm Janelle, and welcome to our celebratory 100 episodes, but now we're at 101 because we're interviewing Andrea and acknowledging how far we have come in the

Andrea Enright 01:32

recording of this podcast. Yeah, it started in recording in fall of 2022 we just realized and oh, we have come such a long way. It was not always an easy journey, but always a learning journey.

Janelle Orion 01:46

Yes, yeah. Who were you back then? Way back then, Andrea, who are some of the Oh my gosh. I mean, the podcast. I was talking about the podcast,

Andrea Enright 01:56

but like life, oh my gosh. Who was I back then? Well, let's see. I was married, I had a boyfriend, and I had, what a 12 or 13 year old child, 13 year old child, and now I am getting divorced. I have a different boyfriend, and I have a 16 year old child, does a very different existence. I assure you,

Janelle Orion 02:27

you also have a new career on your movie. I do.

Andrea Enright 02:29

I have a completely new business as well. Yeah, it's, it's been my 40s were definitely a big time of learning and change for sure, yeah, it feels like nothing. It's amazing how I'm like, yeah. Just feels so different. Like I remember turning 40 and thinking people telling me that, oh, like I loved my 40s, like nothing good happens to your fort till your 40s anyway. And I'm just like, Yeah, okay. Whatever they were right

Janelle Orion 03:08

right now, because now you just turned 50.

Andrea Enright 03:10

I just turned 50. I was in my 40s back then too, and I just turned 50, and I feel whole and beautiful and wise, and 50 seems right, so I'm good with 50,

Janelle Orion 03:23

yay. Okay. I love that. I love that, that you're like, oh, actually, the 50 is the new

Andrea Enright 03:29

40, yeah, absolutely. Just gonna keep going with it. I don't really have fear. I don't have fear or discomfort around it right now.

Janelle Orion 03:38

So beautiful. Yeah. Okay, so in this episode, I'm going to ask you some different questions about what you are learning, what's new and exciting, what's going on, what you're working on, yeah, how you're letting go form? What are you neglecting? Because that's always part of it. So let's just dive right in, which is, what have you learned lately? What have I learned lately?

Andrea Enright 04:08

I have learned to ask for what I want, and this feels like the fucking meaning of life. Bravehearts, like I've been saying this a lot lately to everyone, I'm just like, No, are you asking for what you want? Please ask for what you want, because you might think that you're asking for what you want and you're not. I wasn't enough. I really feel like asking for what you want helps you know what you want and voice it then potentially see if that's available, and then what it also does is helps the other person know what you want, so that they can give you what you want. And this is a gift. This has truly been a gift. So I'm really excited about doing more. Of this, and I catch myself in the moment all the time,

Janelle Orion 05:06

brave hearts. I feel like this is, like, foundational to what the podcast has been about for the entire three years, was learning to ask for what we want. It's something that, like we both, Angie and I both learned from Brendan in the art of receiving and giving, and yet, when Andrea finally got to the moment of her understanding what she wanted and asking for it, it was like, Oh my gosh. It took that long. It took us this long to know the know it was important,

Andrea Enright 05:34

and then to feel it Yes. And I'd say it was a combination of Sophie Howell, who is language empowerment coach and the maker of the Spirit crowns, which we have worn in the first couple seasons, first few seasons of our podcast. Amazing, just really extraordinary person who helped me define and find within about two hours, the core of my narrative, and how that was impacting and coloring my choices, my partners, my adventures and my slight hesitancy toward expressing my full self. So this was really big, and then the second part of my time with her, the other hour and a half of the three hours, was about me saying I don't know when I actually knew. And so she challenged me to not say I don't know for the next week. And I noticed myself saying I don't know when people posed me questions when I actually did know. And so what I realized was that if I pause long enough, and this takes practice very far as I think, I think I've really been practicing this for a few years, if I paused long enough and felt into what I wanted, I knew what I wanted most of the time.

Janelle Orion 06:57

But

Andrea Enright 06:59

you were quick to say, I don't know, like, what? There was a part of you that just, like, jumped ahead. I was like, I don't know was easier, yes, because really, the I don't know is just the hesitancy. It's the hesitancy and because there's fear, there's really, like, about four things I'm scared of to say, when I say what I want. I'm scared that I'm gonna get rejected, that they're not gonna give me what I want. I'm scared of being too needy. I'm scared that I'm choosing the wrong thing, because there's a right and wrong thing, isn't there? Oh, actually, turns out no, and, and, yeah, there's some hesitancy that, oh, that I wasn't being accommodating enough to the other person, that it wasn't what they wanted, and so then I wasn't being nice enough and giving enough. Yeah, that feels like people pleaser laboratory. Totally such a such a recovering people pleaser. So by practicing not saying, I don't know, and stopping and saying, Oh, wait, I didn't know right away, and sometimes I didn't know in the moment or right then. But by doing this, I felt into what I did know, and I was able to voice that. So I'll just give you a couple examples of this too, where my boyfriend now, in a time of transition, or when I'm anxious, will say to me, what do you need right now? And it is such a simple phrase, but it is so it feels so good in my nervous system, so what you wanted was him to ask you that question. I did actually. I didn't even know that's what I wanted, but that is what he's doing. This is what I've wanted for many years, right? Is for someone to just tend to me a little bit like, oh, Andrea, what do you need right now? I wasn't getting that, and I also didn't know how to ask for it, I think. But more importantly is that when he started saying that from the beginning, I would say, I don't know. And now I can feel in because I do know in the moment what I need. Do I need something to eat? Do I need another hug? Do I need to get up? Do I need some quiet time? Whatever that is. So this has been huge. And then the other example is that recently, when I was having a really rough couple of hours rough day, and he said, How can I support you? And I was like, I don't know. And then a couple hours later, I felt some disease about that interaction and about our conversation, and I said, Oh, I do know what I want, but I was afraid to ask for it. And the other reason, the other important reason I was afraid to ask, was that it felt like I shouldn't have to tell him, right? Because I was conditioned to think that we should be able to read each other's minds and that everyone knows. How to support you, even though people have very different levels of support that they require and different kinds of things that some people want to be left alone, some people want to be tended to, some people want to be hugged, some people want to be helped.

Janelle Orion 10:12

And it could all change at any given moment. It doesn't mean if you wanted one thing you want every

Andrea Enright 10:16

course, of course. So I texted him and said, Oh, here's what I need. I need you to to call me and check on me. I need you to say, I love you. It's going to be okay. I need you to say, Do you want to talk about it? Maybe? I need you to say, like, you know, reflect back what I'm saying. That's it. That's that's what I need. And you know, his response is, thanks so much for telling me what you need. Great. So asking for what you want, fairly magical. But, you know, it's taken me 50 years to figure it,

Janelle Orion 10:57

and as a witness to Andrea having this revelation, it is like, it's beautiful, really, really beautiful to see how I would describe it as like you fully coming home to yourself in a way, like you've been on the journey, right? It's not like, Oh, you went from zero to 100 in one go, butbut this step is just like the step that you've been, like, on this step for a while, while waiting, we've been waiting. And then it's like, Oh, my God, it's here.

Andrea Enright 11:21

Yeah, yeah, totally, it's really true. And I'm sure I'll keep keep feeling and keep feeling in as I go. But I catch myself all the time now I'm like, Oh, I'm not fully asking for what I want. Oh, I'm not being my full self. So that's really, really big.

Janelle Orion 11:39

Well, I'm curious what is new and exciting. I've heard you mention this new boyfriend who seems to be very responsive and attuning to you, so I'd love to hear more.

Andrea Enright 11:52

So I think yes. So I am in a fairly new relationship. It's about been about three months. I don't think I knew that in a relationship, there could be so much ease and flow. In my marriage, we had an amazing 20 years. We had so many adventures. We created a beautiful life. There was so much that was wonderful about that. But I would say ease and flow was not one of them, like we just didn't often have that ease and flow. We had laughing, we had dancing, we had children, we had community. Ease and flow, not so much. And so now I have that ease and flow, and I'm like, Whoa. This is so different. And this is just, you know, this is just a personality dynamic, right? And just a there is just a lot more ease.

Janelle Orion 12:40

And it sounds like it's something that you are prioritizing that maybe you didn't even know, you know, wouldn't have known to prioritize in

Andrea Enright 12:47

the past Exactly. Yes, I was box checking before. I'm like, oh, going through that. Like, okay, does he have all the right? And, of course. And I loved, I loved my past partners, of course. But I feel like what's working now is ritual, is check ins is constant communication is creating safe spaces. I am actually looking forward to our first conflict so that I can use my tools.

Janelle Orion 13:12

Thank you, Hazel Grace, right?

Andrea Enright 13:15

Thank you Hazel Grace, absolutely. So, yeah, so this is just been very different and and really healing and full of ease and flow and love. And I'm, you know, we'll see like, this is what's happening right now, and it is happening fast, but I can only talk about what's happening right now as we know the danger.

Janelle Orion 13:39

And I've met him brave hearts. He's really lovely. And what I can also say is, yeah, what I feel Andrew doing and what witnessing you is staying in the present, right? Like, yes, it's not that you're not making plans about the future, but they're based on how much fun and joy and ease and flow there is right now. Which is lighting you up, yes, which is I love seeing.

Andrea Enright 14:03

I feel very held and very taken care of and very loved. I have a new website, Andrea enright.com going back to my name as my company, which is very different. I have let go of the boot factor, and I'm helping women with midlife meh who feel like they have checked all the boxes and yet there is this internal ache, like, WTF. Where did I go wrong? Because I'm not happy, and I'm bracing my love of dancing and music in my coaching by weaving that into my service and offering. I also have a monthly online event that talks about this same thing called permission to dance, how to change your life in five steps. Get it. I run into a lot of women who feel this way. They're numbing out to Netflix. They know that there's something missing, and yet, from the outside their their life looks beautiful. And so I really want. To help them come home to themselves and embrace life in a different way. So I'm very excited about that, and just feel like I am very aligned with who I am, right? All of my rivers, which I thought started happening probably three years ago, but all my rivers kind of flowing into the same ocean now, everything I'm doing represents me in the highest form. That's how it feels.

Janelle Orion 15:28

I love that. I love that. And what I'm also just it. Can hearing you describe it that way is you are bringing what brings you joy, which is dancing and music into the journey. Because it doesn't have to be hard to learn these life lessons are challenging enough, right? Can we infuse them more with joy, with dance, with play, with music while we're learning the lessons? And that's what I hear you offering, yeah,

Andrea Enright 15:55

yeah, there's just so much heavy shit, right? In this personal growth, it's hard, it's uncomfortable, so there needs to be joy. And yeah, I'm excited to

Janelle Orion 16:04

bring that. Yay, yay. And so how are you letting go of form? We talked about this in the last episode, yes.

Andrea Enright 16:11

So I am letting go of form in that I chose to get on an anti anxiety medication, which was a huge source of shame for me. For many, many years, I was definitely felt guilty, felt bad. I didn't want to be medicated. And in this past year, it was very difficult year, going through the divorce. And even though we got divorced in love, and it feels very aligned, and we have lots of goodwill, and we're still very good friends. It was a big transition, and I chose, how'd you change your company? Yes, and I changed my company, and, you know, so many other stressors, and so, yeah, so I chose to be on anti anxiety meds, and they're working for me very well, and I feel lighter, and I feel no detrimental side effects, and I don't think it's impacting me in a negative way. So this is just, it was a big hurdle for me, and it's, yeah, it's really vulnerable, even to talk about it.

Janelle Orion 17:13

Is this your first time ever being on those? Yeah? First time? Yeah. Well, I really, I commend you and your courage, because I know you have said many times over the past year how much they've made a difference for you, and I've also witnessed you. It's not like it's they're helping you avoid the challenges and the growth and all things they're going through, but I have definitely witnessed you be able to handle the stresses in the overwhelm in a totally different way.

Andrea Enright 17:45

Yeah, thank you. Yeah. I really, really feel like I have, am I also doing this thing where I'm reclaiming the mountains? So I have sort of notoriously rejected the mountains for many, many years. Great parts. We live in Colorado, just, you know, there's mountains here. There's a lot of mountains, and everyone fucking loves the mountains. And everyone talks about the mountains, and sure, the mountains are pretty, and when I go, I'm glad I went, and nature is lovely, and it's great to commune with it. And I also have always said, and really feel as it's not really my favorite landscape, like I came out here because it was different than the plains, because I like the people and the culture and the mountains are just like, not really my thing. I'd rather be in a forest with moss and lots of ponds and wildflowers and waterfalls. I just need more humidity. It's just a little too dry for me out here, so in I've traveled a little bit more to the mountains. In the last in the last nine months, my boyfriend lives a little closer to the mountains, so I've been a little more exposed. And I'm just like, gosh, you know, I just keep wanting something different. And I'm like, Okay, I'm letting go of form, like, this is nature, and it's also beautiful, and I'm being stunned by it, and I'm appreciating it and taking it in. And my daughter said to me recently, she's like, you know, mom, Colorado is a very popular state. She doesn't like the mountains either. By the way, she's not a mountain girl. None of us are really. We're not campers. But she says, you know, everybody wants to live in Colorado, like, nobody hates Colorado. And it's true, right? It's very true. When I talk to other people, it's like, Oh, I love Colorado. Oh, it's so awesome. And I've always been like, yeah, yeah. But now I'm really embracing the mountains and taking a lot of joy from them, finding delight, finding awe, which I find to be really healing, so they don't have to look nature doesn't have to look a particular way. And I think that's really important. And in that process, I feel like I'm coming really full circle with my life, because when I first came to Colorado, I went into the mountains and was full of awe and loved them so much. In fact, the first time I came I Yes, I was living in both. Older, and I had an internship in Denver, and I dated someone that summer who took me into the mountains and showed me everything. And we went to Orion, and, you know, sat in the naked hot springs, and whenever engineer passed, and we so we stumbled upon this, this mining camp, when we were hiking, and inside the mining camp shack were these, like boxes and boxes of these mineral samples. So they were like long, cylindrical things that were like blue and white, kind of just like some kind of a sample of a rock that was clearly in that in Colorado. And I took one of them. There was hundreds, and I've kept that. I kept that thing for years. It went everywhere with me. It was part of my stuff. It got transferred from bin to shelf, from bin to shelf, from my parents' house for from 1996 until about four years ago, when it broke. I treasured this thing, and I was so upset when it broke, and I was like, okay, whatever. Have to let go. So I'm sitting on my boyfriend's porch a deck last last week. And I look over and I see a box of these mineral samples, and I've never seen them before in my life, except for that one time, the exact things. And I'm like, Oh my God, I've just come full circle back to Colorado.

Janelle Orion 21:18

So Wow. And he had the whole box of them.

Andrea Enright 21:22

The woman he lives next to is a geologist, and she so she had the mineral samples. And I'm like, oh my god, freaking out. So letting go for him. Love it.

Janelle Orion 21:34

Mountains, beautiful. Yes, that mountains. I'm here. What I'm hearing is that the mountains are as beautiful as moss and humidity, just in a different way. Yeah, beautiful. And so what else? What else are you working on right now?

Andrea Enright 21:50

I feel like I'm working on the science of manifestation, Reclaiming my focus, getting clarity, removing obstacles, setting intentions, taking action and letting go of attachment, that's kind of the steps. So I'm working on that. I'm working on endings. I've ended a lot of things in the last year, but I feel like there are probably still a few things I need to let go of.

Janelle Orion 22:16

Can I jump in there? That's something that we actually did at Burning Man, where we talked about conscious endings and to ritualize and ending, even if it's like, you know, the if it's a person, they don't have to be present, right? But that you're just and if you, especially if you have objects to like, let go of these objects. And so that's actually something that we did on our way into Burning Man, when we stopped at one of the Canyons on the way in is that we did a ritual of letting go and creating a conscious ending for a whole bunch of things that we were didn't want to carry with us into Burning Man.

Andrea Enright 22:50

Oh, beautiful. Okay, yeah, it's like, what if you could think about it, what do you not want to bring with you into the next part of your life?

Janelle Orion 22:59

Yep, and to honor that it was in your party. So it's not like, Oh, I'm just gonna leave this backpack and, like, drop it at the side of the road. It's that, oh no, I'm gonna, like, intentionally, like, look, take take the thing out, honor it, hold it, you know, maybe, like, blow a kiss onto it and say thank you with gratitude and release you that we're complete.

Andrea Enright 23:18

Now. I love that. Okay, yeah. I recently posted as well about endings and how, in general, I think, in our country and our conditioning and our pop culture and what we consume, we're taught to start things, and we're really not taught to end them beautiful like we are taught to start projects and friendships and relationships and school and courses and and yet, you know, and ghosting has become a verb. And, you know, like, right? I mean, people ghost constantly. It's not even that hard. All we have to do is text back. And yet, people are just like, Nah, we'll just end, and we'll, we'll. It's an unconscious ending, because I think we don't know how to end and I totally honor that it is hard to end things, it's hard to end relationships, and it's hard to end projects. It's hard to tell people that you're not going to do that anymore. So yeah, so I'm learning definitely working on ending still, and I'm also working on being very conscious and compassionate, as my daughter is splitting time between two houses, so she's going to be spending a week with me and then a week with her dad, going back and forth. And this, I have definitely have a lot of just a lot of shame and guilt around this. Words like mom's boyfriend and dad's house make me feel like I'm the subject of an after school special, and the focus is divorce. Really fucking hate them, but this is life, and this is my best self, and so I have just have to keep going back to that. And I know this is she's doing very well. You know? I think she's adapted very well. And of course, it's still a. Struggle that she now has to have two different houses. So, so I'm also trying to, like, lettingletting go of form in that and saying, Oh, she's gonna feel actually, as she she's getting her license. She just got her license, so she is 16, and she's driving.driving. And I'm also worried about, like, working on, like, letting her go with ease, and being graceful in that release, and that's just another way of letting go of form. Because I feel like, instead of saying, Oh, she's not going to see me as much, I'm thinking, Oh, she's going to have more freedom, more empowerment, feel less imprisoned, feel less forced. And I think with that will come more empowerment to and more intention to see me when she wants to see me and see her dad, when she wants to see him, d

Janelle Orion 25:54

Yeah, and I feel like that, like those two things are combining, but like, I remember getting my license, the sense of free, and my parents were together, right? Like, my friend was like, oh my god, I get to leave, right? And so that feeling is going to be there. The divorce is just like another side, like I would, I can just imagine that the car, in some way, is like, it's epitome of, like, this next chapter, and then, oh yeah, two houses is also part of it. And not, I'm not diminishing it, but there's a lot, there's a lot of changes happening for 16

Andrea Enright 26:29

year olds. Yeah, yeah. Really, it's really big, yeah.

Janelle Orion 26:33

And so, what is lighting you up these days?

Andrea Enright 26:36

Yeah, what is lighting me up? You know, I think that my boyfriend and I are finding a lot of magic in the mundane. To your point last week when you talked about Mary Oliver's poem, poem in the delight no reading, poetry, looking at art, cooking meals, feeding the Blue Jays. And I'm constantly reminded to keep taking pleasure in those mundane activities, even washing dishes. And I really think, yeah, my boyfriend is amazing at that, and it's such a great model for slowing down and doing that Daybreaker. Daybreaker is fucking awesome. Like, I just do a little promo for Daybreaker, like, dancing was like a drug high for me, and Daybreaker really serves that up. What is that? What is Daybreaker? Daybreaker is a global movement where people come together during the day with a DJ, with, let's say, a music curator, and people come and they dance and they dress up and they interact with strangers, and it's all during the day. That's it like. And it's sober. It's sober, it's completely sober, absolutely no drugs, no alcohol. There's usually some giveaways from people sponsoring particular drinks. I've been to one at Red Rocks. I just went to one at Union Station. There's one at the dairy block in Denver next month. And yeah, it just it really fills my glitter cup up with like, with stranger interaction, with dancing, with physical exertion, with emotional release. You can tell there are people who are ecstatic dancing. There are people who are interacting with strangers. There are people who are standing back and watching it's all mixed together, and it's very encouraging and very supportive. So I just I highly encourage that I love it. I've also been doing dork dancing in wash Park. Have I told you about that? No, no. So it's like for mental health awareness. Somebody started it a few years ago, and it happens twice a month in a local park, and it's just somebody with a speaker, and you just go and dance, and that's it. Oh, wow. It's just like so easy, and it's free. And Daybreaker is also very affordable. It's, you know, 20 something per time. So dancing is great. Silent disco is also great. Shout out to Lee Orion with her joy sets there, Florence and the Machine has a new CD out on Halloween. Super excited about that. Love Florence and the Machine. She's totally my goddess. Downton Abbey has another movie. Trader Joe's is coming to my neighborhood. Wow. So excited about that. Yes. So those are like little joys, even though the traffic is going to be horrendous, and I'm a little bit nervous about that, but yeah, Trader Joe's in my neighborhood. That's like a dream. Let's see also the RE emergence of old people in my life. So fascinating, how people from many, many years ago. I'm talking like Chris has become my client. She and I met like 2002 right in Denver, like vaguely in touch over the years, but now she's my client. My friend Jennifer. We met. That probably 16 years ago at a food party, haven't really talked to her since. Now, we are good friends, and we are boxing on the reg. A few more examples of that, of people just who have had exited my life a long time ago and just re emerged and have become really good friends. So that's I love,

Janelle Orion 30:19

that that is, I feel like it's like ends, a new layer to our episode that we did on the seasons of friendship, right? Where, like, oh, like, sometimes, like we talked about it in the way that people, like, are in and then they're out, but what I love you're bringing around is, like, people are in and then they're out, and then they're back in again, yes, right? So that they're like, the seasons can flow ongoing.

Andrea Enright 30:42

Yeah. I mean, proximity speaks volumes the stage of life, what happens, but something, some core of me spoke to some core of them, and vice versa a long time ago, and it's still there, right? And so the universe has put us back into each other's life. So that's nice. I also will say that Janelle, you reminded me, I think, a couple times when I felt like I didn't have like I was sort of in a in a drier season of friendship, like, oh, things were moving away. No fallouts, just a shifting of communities of circumstance, of children. And I was like, wow, I've lost, you know, three or four important people in my life, along with a couple communities in the last two and a half years. And, yeah, that was hard, like not all at once, but just slowly over time. And I do think that that is also a message though, to turn inward and say, Oh, it's time for just me to be with just me,

Janelle Orion 31:41

and tying into what you were saying earlier about endings, right? Is that every ending is a new beginning. So if you can allow something to leave your life, especially consciously and gracefully, then that leaves spaciousness, like there's energy there, when, whether it's at first, you go inward, and then there's more space. There's no order to this, but that, yeah, just recognizing that what seems like with every death, there is a rebirth.

Andrea Enright 32:10

Yeah, that's true. And we have talked about the importance of creating space in the channel so that other thoughts can come through. And this is something Elizabeth Gilbert talks about a lot, in that, how can we move space so that we can receive new messages, we can receive new people, and receive new inspiration, receive new creativity. I think I have definitely struggled with that. In general. I really have struggled with impermanence so much. Like, No, I like things to just stay the way they are, and letting go has become something I'm aspiring to.

Janelle Orion 32:53

Now, it's so funny, because I feel I learned the lessons of impermanence through you, because that's like you learned that concept through Shambhala, I think, like years ago, and I didn't know about it. And so you have said, well, everything's impermanent. Everything's impermanent for our whole relationship and and I did not know what that meant until I learned, until I figured it out.

Andrea Enright 33:23

Oh my gosh, that's crazy, because that's something else that is coming back into my life. Is meditation. I'm going to meditation class, and that message is coming back into the same messages that I that I learned maybe 12, probably 12 years ago. Yeah, impermanence, I think it the the pinpoint of impermanence is that it's something I say to my clients. I'm like, Look, impermanence is a bitch. Like, it just is, like, things are always changing, and I hate it, but I'm so much more appreciative of it now, like, and I truly this is one of the most fundamental changes for me, is that I know as soon as something happens that I'm just like, Oh, I know it's going to be different by next week or next month,

Janelle Orion 34:06

right? And it might not even be that long I remember. So we interviewed Amelia Broughton on human design on this podcast a few weeks ago, and something, when I had a reading with her, because it's several years ago now, or somethingsomething that she said was, if you're feeling uncomfortable, just stand up, because it'll change once you

Andrea Enright 34:28

change, once you change your position, right, once

Janelle Orion 34:31

you change your position, however you're feeling is going to change. And so it can be like that, immediate.

Andrea Enright 34:37

Yes, I know you're right. You're absolutely right. Yeah, just stand up.

Janelle Orion 34:43

And I used to stand up or go outside, or just like, or like, move away from whatever it is that you're doing, yeah.

Andrea Enright 34:49

And I used to say too, I think that one of the one of the lessons I learned during polyamory with my husband was that. I, I heard about something at night, and I would say, No, we can't do that. No, that sounds awful. Absolutely not. No, is the answer. Do you hear me? And then I learned to say to him instead, like, you know what, let's just, let's see how I feel tomorrow morning. Like, this doesn't feel good now, but let's wait. And it was always softer in the morning, maybe not an entire change, but definitely a different reaction.

Janelle Orion 35:27

Yeah. So speaking of that, speaking of polyamory and impermanence, do you want to mention your relationship right now and the status that you're in?

Andrea Enright 35:36

That's a good point. Yes. So I am currently in a monogamous relationship, and that feels very different. It definitely does.

Janelle Orion 35:47

So how did you come like, how does that obviously, I'm guessing it feels good, but I love to for our brave hearts and for me to hear a little bit more about how you've landed there.

Andrea Enright 35:57

Yeah, I have said, and I remain steadfast that polyamory was my biggest personal growth catalyst. It helped me turn back toward me. It helped me reframe the paradigm of my relationship from unconscious to conscious. It helped me devote myself not to a container of marriage, but to the most extraordinary expression of myself and of my partner. And ultimately, no and I'd say right now, I am comfortable in a monogamous relationship. I don't know if that will change, though, like I am enjoying the devotion of this now, you know, if I had met the same person 20 years ago, it's not about that. No, it's not about monogamy being like my favorite, or polyamory being my favorite, or one being right or wrong or better for me, they think they just fit better for different times, different circumstances from partners, different timing. And so right now, yes, the devotion to one person is feeling very good and very pure, very whole for me. And I'm loving that.

Janelle Orion 37:13

Yeah, I love that. And I've also, I've always felt that polyamory actually includes monogamy. It's not exclusive of it, because there's so many seasons of polyamory as well. Like, you know, like in the in the 10 years that I was doing non monogamy, it looked very different many times. And I believe, like monogamy is one of the expressions of polyamory, right during it, for a period of time. In your case, it's just a different person now altogether, but like it feels for me, polyamory allowed me to see what is true for me in the moment. And so what I hear you saying is monogamy feels really true for you in this moment with this person, and that'll be true for as long as it's

Andrea Enright 37:56

true. Yeah, exactly. The one thing I've noticed too is that I am pretty accustomed to flirting with who I want, dating who I want. And because we've been I've been doing that for nine years, this is a long time to have a completely free and open reign over who I date and who I have sex with and who I kiss and who I go out with, and that's, yeah, that's really different. You know, it does. It's been a shift for me of perspective, not difficult at this moment, but definitely different,

Janelle Orion 38:35

beautiful. I feel like an episode could happen about that at some point. Yeah, that's probably true. I'm curious if you have, if you could describe your definition of monogamy, because, like, you just said, like, I'm not, like, you're used to, like, having a full reign, right? Are you still like, and you are such a lover of strangers? Like, is flirting off the table? Is, you know, I'm guessing, you know, kissing and obviously sex are off the table, but like, what, like, where in that gray area of flirtation?

Andrea Enright 39:11

Yeah, and I would answer that that I think I'm fortunate to have always felt like I could be my full self with other people a little bit of flirting, male friendships, seeing men as other humans, rather than just males, and taking magic and interaction from those and that, then that's fine, yes. So I would say that's the container I'm in that I feel comfortable doing that and being expressing my full self, obviously, without any other relationships, or or physical or intimacy. And it's, it's hard for me to imagine not doing that, but you know whatever, whatever is right for you, whatever you feel most comfortable, is the right choice.

Janelle Orion 39:58

Okay, so Andrea, I know. So we just enter the urinary monogamous relationship. You also, as I have insider knowledge on, are exploring a new dynamic within the relationship of DS, Dom sub dynamics, yeah,

Andrea Enright 40:15

Dom sub dynamics, right? Something that Janelle has been talking about for, like, years, literally. And you're like, This is how I've experienced it from you, right? It's like, you know, you're buying these cool belts and these like outfits, and you're going through trainings, and you become a dominatrix, and you've acted out scenarios. This is just my impression of, you know, and you've taught me about how it's so much more than what kind of society might pin it as or stereotype it as, that there's such a power dynamic and that it's equal, that the sub and the DOM are equal. These are, these are like the messages I've gotten from you. And I think I really just had an aha moment when I when we were out to dinner, month you and I, month ago, yes, you and you and I. So I in my past, one of my past relationships, I did have a kind of escape where I would go there maybe once a month. And while I was in charge of getting there, once I got there, it was all him. Right? He decided what we would eat and what we would watch and where we would go and when we would go in the bedroom and when we would come out, and all of that. And it was very relaxing to have someone else deciding this, making those decisions. I had a say in all of it, and it wasn't an official sub DOM agreement, but it definitely was a way to relax my nervous system, because I was in charge in so many other places in my life. And I hear this from a lot of my clients too, it's just like, Oh, I'm just always in charge. Couldn't someone else just figure it out? So I knew I wasn't alone in that dynamic.

Janelle Orion 42:01

However, I also want to say we, I mean, I knew everything about this relationship, and we did never called it the DS dynamic, even when I was going through my training, we just said, You, we described it as you were escaping because it was out of town, yeah. So we didn't, I wasn't until our dinner that I was like, Holy fucking shit, you were in a DS dynamic, and we just never named it as such. It's like, all of wisdom and the knowledge that I had, I hadn't like,

Andrea Enright 42:25

awkward to you, yeah, I think it had. It did come up for me as you did the DS stuff, but we never talked about it. And so I don't really remember, but in the at the dinner, you're just like, oh, well, maybe you want to Dom like, you want someone to Dom You, and I'm just like, What do you mean? And you said, maybe you just want him to tell you what to do. And I was like, my new boyfriend, my new boyfriend. All I could think about it was in the context of the bedroom, right? Like, bossing me around there, which I'm like, okay, sure we can play with that, I guess, like, like, I'm okay,

Janelle Orion 43:02

and that's fine. That's great, but there's like, there was something more that you

Andrea Enright 43:06

wanted. Yeah, I think I just didn't ever apply the DOM sub dynamic to everyday life. But then Janelle had just had this with her DOM where they talked every morning, as well as having sex sessions. And I realized that I could actually request and ask for what I wanted of my boyfriend to say, like, I just want you to decide, could you just DOM me about this, right? And I mean, I bear, I'm just barely understanding what this is. So, like, even explaining it right now is, is a little challenging, but so I was like, Oh yeah, that's what I want. Like, I want you to decide if we're gonna split the chicken salad sandwich or the eggs benedict. I want you to decide what I'm gonna wear to yoga. I want you to decide if we're gonna go inside or we're gonna stay outside for dinner. Like, all of these things. I'm like, which movie are we going to watch? What are we going to do tonight? Like, oh my god. Like, such a huge relief. I'm just like, yes, that's exactly what I want. I was so excited. Yeah, we were so we were so excited. But because you're also like, Well, what about like, what if I have it? I think of what I want to do. I'm like, you always get to say what you want to do, but you could just tell him to buy the ticket, right, right? That is the beauty of the sub DOM relationship. So, yeah. I was like, Wait, he can't always be in charge. Like, he's not always in charge. He's just the one leading it. There's a lot of a lot of hesitancy for me on this. I was like, Uh, I, can I still be a feminist and do this? Can I still be a strong woman and do this? And yet internally, I'm just like, oh my god, this sounds like such a relief. And what Janelle suggested at that time was, oh well, yes, it's that you're gonna, he's gonna take care of these things, so that you can actually put more energy into your business, into your. Motherhood into your life, into your house. And I love this idea. So I was so excited about this prospect. I literally went from postino, the restaurant that we were at, got in the car and drove directly up to Morrison to go talk to my boyfriend about this. And I was like, he was like, you know, surprised to see me. I mean, we were, we're only, we were only, like, a month and a half in at this point, and like, it was fine to go unannounced, but I had never been gone to his place unannounced before. And of course, he was like, Okay, what's going on? And I was like, I have something to tell you. He's like, Okay, should we go in the bedroom? And I'm like, yes, so we go lay down. And I'm just like, Okay, I would like you to be in charge, like, I would like you to tell me what to do. I would like you to Dom me more often. And he's like, Okay, I'm down. Let's explore that, right? And so literally, so we have played with this, and there is a beautiful dynamic then that happens in the bedroom, but then also, yeah, what happens is he just tells me what's going on more often, and we're still figuring it out. Like, how often does he do it? Do I want it all the time? I'm not sure, but it is such a relief to see in a text, see you at yoga, wear the heart pants, right, right? Don't you love that, I love it. That's a good text, right? And that, and then he, that's happened, like, a few times, right? And then we're having this. And then sometimes I'm just like, hey, I need, you know, he's like, What do you want? I'm just like, I need you to decide. He's like, okay, and it's, it's just like, I love it, you know? It also just like, helps with my own indecision, right? Sometimes I just don't know what I want, or I I know what I want, but I just can't figure it out. And, yeah, it's, it's really been amazing. So I, I'm, I have a whole new appreciation for this dynamic.

Janelle Orion 46:54

I'm like, grinning ear to ear, and brave hearts you have when we were at this dinner, we were like, high fiving. It felt like this was actually the entire point of all 100 episodes of, yeah, because we were out to dinner to celebrate that we had, we're recording 100 episodes, and it was just like, oh my gosh, we figured it out, like we figured like, life as out, I think you said in the beginning, right? It's a miracle of life is asking for what you want, yeah, and just the meaning of it, yeah. And so Andrea knowing that she just wanted to be told what to do, and that that didn't mean she wasn't a feminist. It didn't mean it didn't actually take away anything other than it gave her way I see it is gives you more joy, more energy, more focus, like you're not wasting energy on the things you don't want to make decisions on because you don't care about those decisions enough to waste energy on them. Yeah? And that's means you have more

Andrea Enright 47:50

energy. Yeah, yeah. And I will, I will tell the brave hearts listening, who think, well, no, I don't want someone telling me what to do a I get that because I probably would have, would have balked at that as well if I just heard it on a podcast and b No, I have very specific preferences. I know what I want for lunch, and if it's not this, that I'm not going to be happy. This is how I used to be too. I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to be, but I am actually happier having let go of some of that and and just having someone else decide it's it's working for me, and even though it's a little counterintuitive, I would say,

Janelle Orion 48:26

and also, as you said, it's not for everything. You're still an entrepreneur, running your own business. You're still a motherhood, choosing all the decisions for your daughter, right? Like you're making plenty of decisions. You are still in charge of plenty of things you are choosing. You are the one choosing what you don't want to be in charge of, not him.

Andrea Enright 48:44

Yeah, that's a good point. I think that's a great line. Mic drop, great. Yeah, it's really true. Oh, man, okay, yes, that was an important, important update.

Janelle Orion 48:55

Yes, okay, so let's finish it off with what's a good quote that you are loving? Yeah, so

Andrea Enright 49:01

Andrea Gibson is a poet who lives in Boulder, quite famous as an activist as well, and she recently passed away, and she said, I know most people try hard to do good and find out too late that they should have tried softer. Love this like so beautiful and so applicable in so many ways in my life. So really honoring, honoring her and her words,

Janelle Orion 49:32

yes, she has left an impact on me as well. And so we're going to leave you with that Braveheart as it's an invitation to do good and try softer

Andrea Enright 49:45

and brave hearts. If you are in Denver, come and see us talk in October on Halloween, at Creative Mornings. Creative Mornings is a global phenomenon. Takes place every month, all over the world. People. People talking about creativity, inspiring others. It's a free event, and I'd love to see you there. Janelle And I will be on stage, and all our permission glitter and glory,

Janelle Orion 50:09

yay, yay. And we are also bringing back for the fall our permission to be human workshops. We're going to be hosting them at the goddess temple our next one September 11, and then the one after that is October. So we have them every them every the second Thursday of every month. That's right, and and next week is we're starting our season five, which is going to be learning to be brave in relationships, building a relationship with God. Because, you know, we're going back in, we're going deep into the taboo topics of our own spirituality and divinity with others. We're gonna be interviewing bravehearts experts and each

Andrea Enright 50:50

other absolutely tune in for that how to build a relationship with God or spirit or the divine or the universe, whatever you call it. We love you. Brave hearts

Janelle Orion 50:58

love you. You foreign

Janelle Orion 51:04

Hey, Bravehearts, looking for permission. Work with us. Andrea offers permission coaching, and Janelle offers erotic wellness sessions. Follow us on Instagram, meet us in real life at permission to be human workshops in Denver. Subscribe to our newsletter. Do all this and more at our website, permission to be human. Dot live you.