Andrea & Janelle still consider themselves polyamorous. In this episode, Janelle interviews Andrea about the benefits, what she misses about monogamy, the triggers that have disappeared, the triggers that still remain and what it’s like to have no outside partner when your husband still does. There’s a nod to Jerry McGuire, The Way Knows The Way by Lyndsey Scott and Rhaina Cohen of the New York Times. You’ll hear:
-How little she misses about monogamy
-The relief, purity, clarity and validation she’s found in poly
-Why Andrea’s seeking an Even Keel Kind of Love
-Why she’s stopped trying to change her husband
-Andrea’s emotional maturation--less blame, more ownership
TRANSCRIPT:
Janelle: Hey, Andrea.
Andrea: Hey Janelle.
Janelle: I'm excited for today's episode because one of the pillars of what we started permission to be human with was talking about our Polly lifestyle. And here we are still Polly, but not talking about, about it very much. so this is something that we wanted to revisit, especially you, in your story with where you're at right now.
Andrea: I should define that I am married poly and you are still poly, but you are single poly.
Janelle: Solo Polly.
Andrea: Solo poly, right? There's a big difference, right? Do you like that solo word rather than single? Tell me about that.
Janelle: So actually, there was a really funny article in the New York Times. It was like, what's the difference between solo poly and dating?
Andrea: Oh, really? That's a great question.
Janelle: For me, it's that, Oh, I'm putting relationship with myself first. So whether I'm dating or not dating, it's like, Oh, what's the relationship with me? And now from that place, I'm looking to relate to others. Versus when quote unquote before when I was dating, it was like, Oh, what am I looking for someone else to give, get from give to me? What do I need from that place?
Andrea: And I would say that it doesn't matter if you're poly or not. When you're looking for someone, your relationship with yourself should be grounded first.
Janelle: And so nonetheless, I still think most people wouldn't get it. And I think that we're both still weird and it's really working for us. And apparently it is trending people. We are trending. The mainstream Polly is all over the place.
Andrea: It totally is and people are like, I keep reading about it in the New York Times. I'm like, yep. We're pioneers. We're polypioneers. That's really what we are. Except for those who actually were the pioneers, like, 30 years ago. because it's still a fairly small percentage of people who even get it. Yeah, I feel like I'm faced with this quite a bit. That. It reminds me of how different it is and how much time it took me to adopt and adapt to this lifestyle. We definitely still look at each other and think and say, Wow, we are so weird, but this is really working for us.
Andrea: We're like, oh, yeah We are doing it so differently
Janelle: But how does it make you feel is really my question for you.
Andrea: It makes us feel good it works for us like in lots of ways do I still doubt do I still have this cultural conditioning that? It's like a weeble people and just like keeps popping up and saying are you sure about this? Is this okay? Those voices have gotten softer, but I wouldn't say they ever go away because I had 40 years of Doing it on a more traditional path.
I recently read an article by Raina Cohen in the New York Times that was titled to strengthen your marriage, invest more in your friends. And this isn't directly related to Polly, but it is part of it. It's just that friends are also girlfriends, but it is basically saying strengthening your marriage. Is very much dependent on. how many other relationships you have. See, she talks about how although lovers are often depicted gazing into each other's eyes, she says, and I quote, that they are instead looking outward, anchored within a circle of people they love. we've talked about before, is having a circle rather than just, it's you and your husband against the world. She also talks about the Victorian era that emphasized romantic love and in a sense, taught people to expect more from marriage. And since then, the definition of marriage has ballooned. movies, songs tell us that our spouse should be our everything. And it said in their confidant, soulmate, best friend.
And I would add to that financial partner, housemate, co parent, lover, inspiration. It's a very tall list. So there's really two. Important principles here. One, that there's so many expectations put on marriage. And then the other one is a little simpler in that we expect someone to complete us as if we are not whole to begin with and the movie.
Jerry McGuire. I got it! You got it! Good job, Janelle! And, yeah, you complete me, right, just this deaf couple that's in the elevator and Dorothy translates it to Tom Cruise in that moment. And yeah, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with that at the time when I watched it. Yeah, I want to find someone that completes me.
That's my puzzle piece. And related, I had a quote on my wedding invitation from Antoine de Saint I said that quite right, is the author of The Little Prince, and he said, love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. it's also gazing at each other, but I think that the gazing out together in the same direction gets missed a bit with some of marriage, and so can you give us like just a kind of a recap of what it looks like
Today? My husband has a girlfriend that he sees sometimes twice a week, sometimes twice a month, but on a regular basis, she lives locally and I do not have an extra partner right now. That's it.
Janelle: Okay, great. And so what still triggers you?
Andrea: Though my husband doesn't always tell me things immediately. I think part of that is just his own. Maybe just forgetfulness or lack of attention to detail or lack of attention to schedule. He's just a little less schedule focused than I am. And I tend to run the schedule of the household. But I also believe, and he has confirmed subconsciously, he doesn't want to deal with my upset or my reaction if it's something new or something different. I mean, I'm reacting to things way better than I used to, but still, there is something he has to deal with there. And I think it's also just, he's expressed, he's like, no, I don't want to tell you everything. I'm my own person, which of course I totally get too.
Janelle: Right, it just comes back to you, you know, I've had this conversation of your desire of need to know and he's like, no, you don't need to know
Andrea: Yeah, and so, and I can watch myself kind of like, start to snowball with this or fall into a rabbit hole of, no, well I do need to know. Like, if you're at this location versus this location, one of them's ten minutes, one of them's an hour, I need to know where you are in case something happens and I need you.
That is true, but I exaggerate that, I think, a little bit in the arguments, and so I'm trying to watch that. So, you know, when I find out something after, or accidentally, rather than him telling me, that doesn't feel good, doesn't feel clean, , when he doesn't put things on the calendar, when he doesn't understand my requests, he's just like, why do you care about that?
Why do you need to know? And yeah, there's just a little bit of friction there sometimes, still. I think sometimes it's reasonable, and sometimes it's probably not. And then, of course, if I feel like he is. putting a lot of attention on his girlfriend and not enough attention on our daughter, then of course I'm super triggered about that.
I know he's doing his best and it's a balancing act and it's challenging, which is truly part of the reason I don't want a partner who is local while my daughter is still in the house. it would be incredibly challenging.
Janelle: Because yeah, you're witnessing that in him realizing, okay, time is a limited commodity,
Andrea: He's having to choose a lot.
Janelle: You did too when you had a boyfriend, which is that it was far away. So you were spending a weekend a month but that somehow felt better in your system than if you were having to navigate that on a weekly
Andrea: Yes. Weekly and daily sometimes. And then finally the, future talk, the distant future talk is still hard. I'm used to it and it doesn't trigger me in a volatile way or an acute way. But I think we both have come to an understanding that we just, we don't make big promises about long term plans.
We don't know how we're going to feel next year, let alone in five years or 10 years, I feel confident I will always be connected to him in some way. We will always be in each other's lives. And he does as well. But what that looks like may change a lot. And I'm comfortable with that. I've come to terms with that.
Janelle: And that also sounds to me like, that is
Andrea: Life. It is life.
Janelle: It's not like because you're a poly, it's just like the reality is we are changing. But if you talk to someone who isn't poly they're like, no, I'm married. We're committed to each other till the end of our life. And that is definitely not how they think. And it's the biggest shock. If I ever share with someone, I'm committed to his becoming and he is committed to my becoming, even if that looks like we're not together.
And that's when people are like, Whoa. And I get that. It was a long journey for me to accept that as well.
Well, okay, so I hear, these are the things that you've been navigating all along. and is there anything that's newly triggering?
Andrea: Yeah, it's hard to predict. I don't know what I don't know. And I think I can fall into that fear pit, too.
I have worked on my own humility and just like swallowing my pride and saying, Hmm, this hurts. this doesn't feel good for me right now. I need some time. sometimes I go and scream into a pillow in another room. And say, look, I need to go away right now and go discharge this emotion or this energy.
And we can talk later. I feel like I'm better about waiting. I have more patience. sometimes the moment when he drops something is not ideal. or we get interrupted I used to just feel so angry or so impatient and like, we have to talk about this right now. And now I just feel more comfortable waiting.
Janelle: I've also witnessed you recognize that your response is your response, it may have nothing to do with
Andrea: I have said that many times. I'm just like, look, I am super angry about this and I know it's not your fault. I'm not blaming you, but I am having a reaction, And that's really great for both of us. Like it's a lot of clarity for me. And then he can exhale.
Janelle: You're owning the bigness of you and he's like, oh, okay, it's not me.
Andrea: I can also say, look, this is triggering me right now. And I bet tomorrow I'm going to be fine with it. So let's just wait till then to make a decision. Because I know that the next day or two days later, I'm just like, okay, no big deal. just happened. Thanks. yeah, it definitely is a result of my owning my emotions, not blaming my emotions on him.
You caused me to cry. You made me mad. because of you that I feel this way.
Janelle: It feels like such a huge shift that I've witnessed in you.
Andrea: It's really big. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe something else will come up.
Janelle: Alright. Well, I'm just thinking about brave heart who was like, okay, so why do you do this again? so, okay, what doesn't bother you anymore this many years in? Like, where are some of the things that maybe used to trigger you but don't now?
Andrea: Him going to temple with her.
Janelle: What does that mean?
Andrea: Great, great question. Would you like to describe Temple since I've hardly been to any and you've been to so many?
Janelle: An erotic temple, Is a conscious sex party
Andrea: Got it. I think that's a great description. So, him going to Temple with her or to some kind of a play party, where there's gonna be a sexual activity, where he's gonna be in public with her and other people are witnessing them.
Janelle: And I guess my only thing I want to because I know it's a new it's a new word for Brave Hearts We don't usually use the word temple is that there's lots of different types of temples And so an erotic temple is different than another type of temple like and so we're really talking about erotic temple, which could be also the same thing as A play party,
Andrea: and it depends on how the space is being held. Him spending time with her during the week, that's fine. I totally get that. it doesn't bother me anymore because I really need the alone time. And if I don't get it, if he doesn't go for a week, I really want him to leave. I want him to go spend the night at his office or something.
Because I need the time alone. Knowing and accepting that he gets what he does from her and not from me, and I'm not going to give him what she gives him. And she's not going to give him what I give him. And that's just the way it is. And that's about my own acceptance.
Janelle: How does that feel? In your system?
Andrea: It just feels good. just feels true. and it feels realistic. It feels like, yeah, no way that she's ever gonna be his wife or have a child with him. Or have built a community together. it's just like, there is something we have that is very sacred that we both honor. And I appreciate that.
And there is something they have that is very different and very sacred. And I appreciate that. I give kudos to him for really being able to just honor both of those. And I just don't get as. Jealous or worried about that anymore or thinking like, Oh, I have to be, I should be different. You know, I should be like that or I should change. And I think I'm still navigating what activities are just ours and what activities can he do with her? sometimes I'm, I can get a little territorial about that, but overall, you know, as their relationship evolves and gets bigger, like what are they going to do? Like not, yeah. you know, not go dancing,
Janelle: Right. You're like, I own all the dance floors.
Andrea: Because I know that if they go dancing, it's not going to be the same as us dancing. It's different. They have a different energy. And so, just accepted that. him coming home in the morning, him being on at night, that's just, those things in the beginning were like, Terrible!
Janelle: The witching hour. The 11 o'clock witching
Andrea: And then I would sit on the porch in the morning and he would come home and he would like sit down and talk to me and it was like Terrible! I would be sometimes crying it was a fraught, I mean, just think about how emotional our days were for a while there.
Janelle: Oh my gosh. And that's when you and I were like boxing every five minutes. Wow. Wow. We have come so far. Even like listening to you, I'm like, Oh my God, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of us. Wow. Wow. We really did have a lot. Okay, so what do you miss about monogamy? Remind the Bravehearts, how long were you monogamous?
Andrea: So we were monogamous from when we met in 2000 to 2016. we were like open for experimentation, And so it's been seven years, eight years actually, that we have been polyamorous. the main thing I miss is the imagined reality. And maybe it is a reality for some people, but I think it was an imagined reality for us. I miss the feeling of security and longevity. And, I think that's actually false anyway because it's based on an end, steady or weak premise.
My aunts recently posted on Facebook, I just want someone I can grow old with and hang out with like three nights a week. I put, I know, right. Like how great would that be? Because that has sort of become the more idealized notion. While I do like the security of him always being there, I don't always want him there. I would love to have half alone time, half together time. would probably work out really well for me. Probably for him too. I can't speak for him, but that is something I, that, that longevity of security is kind of an old habit, an old cultural conditioning that's like, Well, no, someone's always going to be there for me, And I think he always will be there for me, But in a different capacity.
Janelle: We could go off on a little bit of a tangent, it's reminding me of how after I got divorced, like this recognition of like, oh, I do have partnerships. , I had this idea of, like, what is security and what does someone being there for me look like? And it turns out, it can look like you being my emergency contact person.
It can be, yes, my ex partner still being willing to take me to the hospital. I've got my stepson who's an adult now, who's gonna, who can be around. I mean, I've got other girlfriends. It's this idea that, Oh, I need someone to be there for the rest of my life.
That means that if we didn't have that one person, then we're totally alone.
Andrea: I think this goes back to the investing in friendship Which helps your marriage because I think there are some people who? Their partners their person and they don't have a big community or they don't have a lot of friends And so that's a different situation. Like I've put a lot of time and energy into building friendships building outside relationships obviously building a relationship with my daughter and And that's, that's different. I do sometimes more in the loss and if it was just normal for anything, it's just the opportunity costs. Like when you put something in your life, you're cutting something else out
Janelle: This is true all the
Andrea: Always. Right. No matter if it's choir practice or a new partner. And so I think about that sometimes. So like, what have we lost by him spending time with her? With an outside partner and me spending time with an outside partner. Like what have we taken away? I mean I can go down a whole thing of like, what have we taken away from our family life? What have we taken away from our daughter? But then ultimately I come back to I know that we would not have been as good without this massive shift I don't know if we would have found a way, to resolve our issues Or not or we would have we gotten divorced or like i'm not sure and I feel like This is a little bit like, when I was a mom in the beginning and my daughter was young, I thought, no, I need to work. this is what makes me the best person I can be. I could stay home, but then I wouldn't be the best person I would be. And therefore I would not be the best mom. I needed to go to work. And for us, this is what we needed to do for our relationship. not saying it's good for anybody else, but it was definitely right for us. And I feel like doing it has allowed me to evolve, become a better mom, understand myself better, do more personal growth. And so ultimately it was the only way that I think we could have done. I think it was a successful path for us.
Janelle: It's It's reminding me of my teacher, Om Rupani He mentions this a lot. In his book prerequisites to ecstasy, which is you know, you might want expansion in your relationship and yet there is a cost to expansion, There's a cost to personal growth. And one of those costs is if you want your soul to expand, like you might lose friendships.
You might lose a way of life that you knew you might lose this imagined reality there is a cost in whatever decision we're making one way or the other.
Andrea: Yeah, exactly.
Janelle: All right. So now I'm curious, what is it like for you not having a partner when he does? Because this is the first time in your seven years that that is true because you were the one that had a partner for many, many years and he didn't.
Andrea: Yeah. Only for two years. I had two years and then we had a sabbatical so really just a couple years So there are times when it gets to me like I can feel lonely But even as I say that it's like Mostly right now. I appreciate the alone time I appreciate the time with my daughter I think there's a few reasons. I don't want to be away from my daughter more than I am Right now I'm sucking all the marrow I can out of her childhood and her being home and in and a half short years not even she will be gone you know, I'll see her but she will be out of the house.
And so I really it's just Something that I really appreciate. So i'm okay with that. not into romantic partners right now. it's just not what i'm seeking I'm going within it's clear that that's the right path for me I used to be the girl that like my friend, Nicole, you know, who's also from Long Island and is also tall, also has dark hair like you, you know, said one day, look at the sky.
And I said, what guy? I was so focused on flirting and men and guys like from 16 to 30, man, like just so yeah, I love that. I was just like a natural flirter. Like I was always on the lookout. I'm like, you never know. We're going to meet someone. And now I just, it's just not on my mind as much, like, it's really obvious that I'm just not looking for cute guys most of the time. I think there's also a difference between jealousy and envy. I mean, definitionally there is a difference. I'm less jealous now. I do have some envy sometimes, and it's like, oh, I don't have my, like, I don't have my soul person anymore. Like, I don't have that connection that he has. With anyone else and I I do miss that no doubt about it, but I feel like i'm spending that Building a better relationship with myself
Janelle: I want to go into that a little bit because I've just recently was having a conversation with someone about jealousy and envy and Like my understanding that Jealousy can be a good emotion and that you're like, oh I see what that person has and I want that too
Andrea: I thought that was envy.
Janelle: Oh, I see what that person has and I don't want them to have it
Andrea: I thought it was opposite actually
Janelle: So I've heard that opposite too. So I think there's, okay, we'll do a little more research people
Andrea: That's okay, yeah, but the difference is clear there's I think there is a difference like no he she can't have him that centered around my thoughts for a long time Even though did I really need him around 24 7? No, but I didn't want her to have have him either and that was clearly to me The toxic side whichever one it is now.
It's just like oh, yeah, it would be nice to have To have another partner But I don't that's okay
Janelle: And what I have witnessed in you is that a lot of your energy was going into your relationship with your ex boyfriend, which was beautiful and nourishing and necessary for your growth and expansion. but now I see you putting that same energy really towards creative self expression. Your book, the podcast, speaking, and I see those things really filling you up, like you feel so alive. do you see it?
Andrea: Yeah, I do too. I mean I see that my channel is Open now. It's not exactly empty, but it's open enough to let more creative expression and ideas come through You My ex boyfriend and I are just so intense, both of us. And we just tend to get very consumed with each other. And so that takes a lot of my attention and energy. And I think this was unhealthy for several reasons. And part of why we separated, all that energy and attention was clogging my channel. actually recently, um, Elizabeth Gilbert mentioned like you have to empty your channel. And I was just like, yep, that's what I was doing. But I'd like to work on a new skill. despite my intense personality, the intense way that I love, can I have an even keel kind of love?
Janelle: Andrea. All right, let me just think about Andrea with an even keel, kind of love, coming at you.
Andrea: Right. Can I have a relationship that doesn't spin out of control? Can I have a relationship that isn't intense, but still very fulfilling to my intense nature? Would I enjoy it? If I crave this intensity, can I get it somewhere else in my work with singing, with performing? I don't know. It's TBD, but it feels like one of the next frontiers to cross is like, how do I get to this intensity?
Maybe I'm working on it now with my book and the keynote I'm building and the podcast, like I definitely can feel that energy coming and I can harness it sometimes. I'm like, Oh, I got it. I got it. I'm going back to it, going away from it and going back to it. I feel the, all the ideas coming, like there's, it's going on in my head, but yeah, it's, it's a work in progress.
Janelle: I think what I'm hearing you say is what you don't want to do is give up all the creative expression that you've got in your life right now if the next time you find a partner.
Andrea: Right, exactly. don't want to give it up, but I don't want the next relationship to be. As Toxically intense as the last one like it was so intense
Janelle: Well that's what I mean like you would have to give it to like you couldn't go back to that and not give up what you're doing now like if you don't have the life force energy can't
Andrea: Correct I you're right. I would have to get I feel like it would go away I it might go away if I got into another intense relationship. so it's more like a protection of me,
Janelle: for you I don't know what it looks like for you but I'm gonna I believe That you can have what you want. think you can have the intensity that's not toxic. you might want to wait until Yeah, you're farther along and like more comfortable with the creative expression that you're doing right now, but I believe you have the capacity to be in there with the type of relationship that you want that is fulfilling and just the right amount of intensity that allows you to bring so much of your life force energy to the projects that mean so much to you.
Andrea: and I really feel that The relationship is not just, it's just not what I'm doing right now. and it'll come later, like when it's supposed to.
Janelle: So what are the most recent benefits?
Andrea: So first is validation. So this is kind of funny, but there have been a couple of times when So my husband has said, Oh, I'm struggling a bit with my girlfriend about this particular topic, and I'm realizing that. She struggles with him in the same ways that I struggle with him. recently she described something really well.
Almost so that like I wanted to text her and be like, Thank you for saying this. This was really important for him to hear. you know, really this goes back to like the very beginning of the relationship when we thought, Oh, like how cool would it be if it was like, We were a team and we were both, I And it's together with him, which is a still a hard thing to get my arms around It's not really something we don't all hang out together It's not something we do but in that moment, I thought okay, this gives me a feeling of validation and solidarity
Janelle: Oh, with.
Andrea: Yeah with her and with him right just like oh like she gets it like she's helping him see this issue that we've also Struggled with he and I have also struggled with And that's a feeling I couldn't accept early on that.
We shared the role of loving him unconditionally together Like, together, we're a big support system for him, and he's for us, Yeah, so something to be said for that.
Janelle: Yeah, I've never heard you say that at all. It's like such a massive milestone for you to acknowledge.
Andrea: I'm like, treading lightly, too. It's like
Janelle: Softening, softening.
Andrea: Right, I'm like, I'm not totally there or anything. Maybe I never will be, I'm not sure, but, but yeah, it's a softening. And then there's this purity, that really came through in a big way a couple months ago. I just had this aha moment when I was high, by the way, I love that when we, my husband and I are together and intimating and loving, that it feels so here, nothing's swept under the rug.
There's nothing that's left on set. There's no dynamic we're not addressing. There's no issue that we're just completely afraid to discuss. the love and the expression feels really clean. And the commitment somehow, I can hear my mom's voice in my head. it's the commitment somehow to like, feel stronger.
There's no force, there's no trapped feeling. There's no like, well, we have to work on this because we have to stay married. it's a conscious commitment. And before we did this, I didn't know what I didn't know. And I just thought this is how relationships went, right? And it is how they go.
And there, of course, there are things that you have to discuss and get past, but I just feel like there's much more transparency now so that when there is something, we're just not going to let it go too long before we. Talk about it and that makes the love feel just more pure.
Janelle: That's beautiful.
Andrea: I think this is the hardest thing for most people who hear about polly to get over is That When we're lying together naked in bed potentially 24 hours ago, he was lying in bed naked with her that is what people cannot fucking deal with.
But I actually feel More present with him now than I did before I feel like he's more present with me. I know just it's counterintuitive But it is true for me and we needed poly to get to that and that's at least that's what works for us
Janelle: Yeah. So brave
Andrea: take a breath. I, I, I And we breathe. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. And he also, just, like, nod to him. He has to be okay with me talking about all this. This podcast. Like, can I just call that out? Like, thank you. Thank you, honey. I know you're listening to this. Like,
Janelle: Thank you. Thank you for listening
Andrea: Then there's some clarity, just being super clear about what we offer each other and that it does have its limits. we always want to expand where we are both working on growing forward. I feel his commitment. I feel my own commitment. It's like personal development in a couple of situation. And I was once told, I think around age 40 to buy my good friend, Lisa Negri, to identify my strengths and forget about my weaknesses.
It's so wise, like when you're young, not so much, you need to like, see what actually is your strength and what actually is your weakness and keep trying. But I feel like we've really done that in our relationship. being like, okay, here's what we can give each other. These are the things that like really aren't our thing.
Okay. We're not doing that. not going to work on that and beat our head against a wall about that.
Janelle: Do you have an example?
Andrea: So I think also like my desire to change him has gone down over time. And that's about like, not just accepting my own weaknesses, but accepting his, or just things about him that don't work for me. it's not even a weakness. It's just like something that I don't like. mean, you just recently like In the like, most yelling way you would ever express, because you really are never mean or yelling, but like, we're at this super busy, super chaotic, busy breakfast restaurant that I will never return to, BTW. Delicious, what is that stuff called, that porridge?
Janelle: Kind of country.
Andrea: So delicious, and, oh my god, why would anyone want that kind of chaos in their life? Is totally beyond me, but Janelle loves it, it's like one of her favorite places. So this is just like an interesting difference. thanks for the contrast.
Janelle: Thanks, Allison.
Andrea: And she said to me, Andrea, get over this. This is not who he is. What the fuck? This is not who you chose. Like, stop complaining. And I was like, Oh, yeah, you're right. will probably remember that one for a long time. Sitting at one fold. so the other, so a little example. The other night I began blaming him for something that was clearly not his fault. I mean, I had a lot of anger and frustration about this tiny little thing. And he was taken aback. He didn't understand, and I held onto my pride for about 10 minutes, kind of stomping around, he was already in bed. it's kind of a dramatic improvement for me in that I then went back to him and apologized and I'm like, Oh, I immediately, I know what this is all about. I crave this particular kind of caretaking
Janelle: From him
Andrea: From him.
Janelle: Or, there's a feeling of care. It's not what I meant to say. There was not you caretaking you being caretaken. crave it. And not just from him, just in general, like I want someone to take care of me. I like the feeling of being held. And some people say, well, everyone wants that. But I don't think that's true. Like not everybody needs that. Some people like the empowerment of doing it themselves. Right.
Andrea: But like anything from locking the door at night to being cared for when I'm sick. it's something I got in big doses from my boyfriend, something that he enjoyed doing more and just fit his personality more. And it's something I get a little less of from my husband. and I want to defend him in a sense in that, you know, when we first started dating, the joke is that when he was walking, we were walking through the woods and this hike, I think in Thailand.
He didn't hold the branch back for me and he didn't reach for my hand. When I was like crossing this like, you know, semi difficult river, And I'm like annoyed that he's not doing that. Because I grew up kind of in a more traditional household, where like, I watched my dad help my mom do that.
And he's like, no, I'm empowering you. Like, you're a woman. Like, take the reins. Like, claim your power. And I was like, okay. Like, I get it. but the craving continued. But still, like, his, his intention, That was good, actually. And, you know, it's probably part of his own baggage, too. so, I guess I don't want to say that he's, that he's just, like, neglecting me.
That's not what he's doing at all. And, of course, he takes care of me and my daughter in lots of different ways. But there was a particular example that I was like, Uh, I want you to take care of this. Why aren't you taking care of this? And I just explained to him, I'm just like, I'm sorry, you know what, like, I was expecting that from you, and that's not what you do.
And that's totally okay. Okay. it's no problem. it's misdirected, and it's my own issue. And he received me, and held me, and said, I got you. I got you. And that felt really good. It was pretty, kind of a milestone. And like, just really owning up to like, Oh yeah, sorry, I'm wanting you to be different. And that's not who you are.
Janelle: Right. And he still has you
Andrea: Yeah, and he totally still has me, of course. I'm being specific about how I wanted to look, but like, he still has me.
Janelle: Letting go of form.
Andrea: Letting go for him. Right back to that.
Janelle: What's another one here?Andrea: Okay, so this is the last one, So relief. so surprising. So we're on the benefits of this poly, Bravehearts, and I was online with a client recently, and I felt this little whiff of chemistry between us, like, oh yeah, I like his energy, and I like the way he was talking, it was just like this little flirtation. And I got curious and I started checking boxes. You know, I started being like, oh, how old is he? Where does he live? Does he have kids? kind of just checking these logistics and location qualities, like, like you would do with anyone who was a potential candidate as a romantic partner. And I thought, OMG, I don't need to do that.
I don't need one to find one person that fits all my requirements. That probably doesn't exist. Like, maybe I'll just get one or two things from him and that will be enough. Or maybe I'll never see him again, or maybe I'll see him once a quarter, Maybe I'll just have this one little connection we have between us and I'll enjoy that part of the bliss because between my own divine and my friends and my daughter and my husband, that's all I need.
To me, that was a feeling of liberation and yeah, it, not to say if you can find someone who does all those things for you and that works for you. Great. But for me, it felt actually a little freeing just like, who are you when you're not seeking to like check every box. And that's a little nod to lady. Cause they have a song called, who are you? Who am I when I'm not seeking?
Janelle: What I'm hearing with that is, with the possibility of a date, that you're like, oh, I don't have to check every box, my husband doesn't have to be checking every box,
Andrea: I can't speak for him.
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