Are you talking about shit that doesn’t matter? Are you leaking energy toward topics that don’t elevate your life? Janelle and Andrea love to communicate. But what they talk about has changed dramatically in the last several years. In this episode, they discuss how to be more intentional with our conversation, and how to stop leaking energy toward negative topics. There’s a nod to: Liz Gilbert and Human Design. You’ll hear:
--A reframing of the word “gossip”
--Why recounting what happened is totally overrated
--Why we must discern our audience when processing out loud
--The pleasures and limits of venting and commiseration
--An invitation to start listening a little more
TRANSCRIPT:
Janelle Orion 0:01
Andrea, hi friend, hi
Andrea Enright 0:02
friend. And
to the brave hearts listening out there. Welcome to permission to be human. I'm Andrea
Janelle Orion 0:08
and I'm Janelle.
Andrea Enright 0:08
Get ready for some real time relationship. Woo
Janelle Orion 0:11
and wisdom from the front lines with occasional tantrums and tears about
Andrea Enright 0:15
how breaking rules, blurring boundaries and tossing tradition can be catalysts for finding your truth.
Janelle Orion 0:20
Let's debunk the fairy tales we were told as children and create a new map for life. Yes, Disney can go fuck itself if you're seeking permission to choose your own path. Freedom is the new F word. People and want to feel less alone along the way, we got you. Please
Andrea Enright 0:36
note, this is our side of the story. Our partners and metamours have their own individual experiences, and we do not speak for them.
Janelle Orion 0:50
Hey, Andrea.
Andrea Enright 0:51
Hi Janelle, and welcome bravehearts to permission to be human.
Janelle Orion 0:57
Andrea has one of her voices in this moment. I
can tell I don't exactly know what it means, like, what's going on, but it usually means something's going on. Oh
Andrea Enright 1:07
no, I think, yeah, I had some feeling going on just then, okay, processing feeling okay. Today, we are going to talk about brave hearts, what we don't want to talk about anymore. How's that? For a little meta, there's a quote that my brother Philip used to say, not frequently, but he has said it a few times to me by Eleanor Roosevelt, that says, Great Minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. And so it's a good way to kick off our our podcast today. Today's
Janelle Orion 1:53
topic brave hearts is about things that we don't want to be talking about, which, of course, is funny, but those things include venting and commiseration. When is it appropriate and when is it not? We're going to be talking about likes and dislikes, and are those significant and relevant? We're talking about out loud processing when we are discerning who to talk to about that and
Andrea Enright 2:18
why and if it helps us to outlet, process or not,
Janelle Orion 2:22
we do do a little shout out to human design, which is a modality that helps us make decisions. And so that's a good one to listen to. And then also, we're talking about judgment, and what do we want to be talking about?
Andrea Enright 2:37
Okay, all right, so we're gonna get into this. So I think, I think the next I want you to tell the story about when you first met your ex husband, yeah, and because this was something I asked you about at some point, and you're like, oh, yeah, I used to do that, and I do it less now because of him, yeah, what happened with that so, brave hearts, you
Janelle Orion 2:58
thought of A sense of me. I'm an outgoing extrovert. And my when I met my ex husband, or he still is this, he's a quiet introvert, and when I asked him about being a group of people, and I was like, okay, like, do you just not want to share your thoughts and your opinions in a group of people. And what he shared was that he wasn't interested in sharing about the minutia of his day, such as flight and delays and doctor's appointments and traffic, and that he noticed that a lot of the conversations that I had and that we were talking about were about what we liked and didn't liked. And for him, he was much more interested in like, the impact of something and the feeling of something, versus whether we liked it or didn't like it, not we him too. Like whether he liked something or didn't wasn't that interesting, right? Okay, okay, so
Andrea Enright 4:02
there's a lot there, so let's start though at the beginning. So first, like he didn't want to talk about the minutia, and so his comment, what was the shift in you then, that you made?
Janelle Orion 4:12
Well, one, I would just say it started, it had me be aware of that, right? That I used to think I was a good communicator because I talked a lot, but I actually started noticing that I was uncomfortable with silence and listening, and so I eventually I started talking less and listening more. So his comment just brought the awareness to me how I was
Andrea Enright 4:37
right, right. And then now I have to ask, okay, so how? How is it that you got more comfortable with the silence?
Janelle Orion 4:49
That's a great question. I don't know if I have an answer specifically to it, but what I can I, what I recognized is that I could listen more, right? If I'm not talking, I'm listening more. And so that part of the silence was just me not talking. And then part of getting comfortable with the silence was with two like, if it was just two of us, right, right? Sometimes it was okay to have nothing to say. Yeah,
Andrea Enright 5:15
this silence is something that definitely plagues me as well, although I do think with certain people, it's fine, and with others, I cannot get to the comfort and the silence, and it's like I'm still looking for it sometimes. But I know that is definitely my challenge. My goal is to just be like, No, we don't have to talk all the time. This is something actually, that my daughter is like, very comfortable having a long car ride and not talking, and I'm just like, oh, but no. Why would we do that? Probably just because I want to communicate with her and talk to her, but, but I think both my family members are actually, like, way more comfortable just like, okay, like, we're just having a quiet dinner. And I was like, a little bit for me that just like, oh, there's something wrong with this, right? Yeah. Doesn't have to be super like, like, I'm okay with silence. But a long stretch without talking, yeah, there's some kind of Yeah, like it feels flawed or something to me deep down, even though Rick rationally, I know maybe it's not so, yeah, this is important in
Janelle Orion 6:25
itself. So you're reminding me, right, like
we're kind of going into, like, also some of the differences between introverts and extroverts. But so I will make the comment I remember
my dad
having a conversation with my dad about about introverts and about my husband in particular. And he was like, Well, I just thought people who didn't speak had, like, weren't very bright, or had nothing to say, something like that. And I was like, Oh, dad, and I got I bought him the book quiet, yeah, by Susan King, because, as you know, like my ex husband is, like, one of the smartest people I know, yeah, for sure. So to assume I was like, Oh, Dad, to assume silence means that there's nothing going on in there is a real, true, big myth. So true, so true, yeah, and that's a whole it's another episode. Introversance is extroverts, okay? So my aha moment, which kind of sparked this episode,
Andrea Enright 7:21
I guess I wouldn't call it an aha moment, because I've certainly known this for a long time, but I've been having conversations, you know, with a friend, and I feel like the bulk of those conversations is us venting and commiserating. Now, overall, I'm just realizing, like, I don't want to spend an hour bitching about our health care delays and flight issues and doctor appointments and traffic and how something didn't work out, and just like, there's no benefit there. There's no value. But at the same time, I feel like, Oh, does chemistrating inventing serve a purpose? Because sometimes it does, if you if you've just come home and had a really hard day, it's helpful for me to tell someone about it. But I think there's a fine line between, sometimes it helps me and other times it just pisses me off more about what happened.
Janelle Orion 8:09
Yeah, I mean, I would say, I think of it in that what you just described as an energy release, right, right? And so can you get the energy out? And can you get the energy out in a way? Because I think it is important to get the energy out of whatever that has one yes, but in a way that is either more productive, doesn't activate you further, yeah, and or also doesn't bring the energy to somebody else, right, who doesn't actually, whose day was fine. So that would be my other question,
Andrea Enright 8:40
is it? Yeah, I guess the question is, are you offloading on to someone at the same time? Though, usually the things that, like someone might be offloading to me aren't triggering to me, because they didn't happen to me. So I don't, I wouldn't say, honestly, take that in. No, no, no.
Janelle Orion 8:53
I'm not saying triggering that way, like, because you had just said, sometimes me speaking about it more gets me more upset, right? So I was talking about you, I just mean, but like, so not that you're causing the other person to be activated, but just like, you're still, like, vent like you're just like, dumping energy into someone that just doesn't feel good. It doesn't mean it's activating. Yeah, okay, got it. And I'm not sure. Like, sometimes I feel like, if you live alone and you don't have anyone to talk to about, like, said thing
Andrea Enright 9:23
there? Yeah, there's can be this bottling up. And I think I would. I'm trying to think about moving toward a practice, whether that's journaling or emotionally releasing, to get rid of that energy from the day, if I had a difficult day. Yes, that that seems smart.
Janelle Orion 9:36
And I'm doing The Artist's Way right now now, which includes writing the first three month period of time, writing long hand in a journal, right three pages every morning. And part of it is to write out these emotions so like they're getting out of your system, and then you're not, yep, holding them a I mean, the most important thing is not to hold them. But then also in our. Conversation. Now you're not also, like, just passing them on to somebody else. Yeah, and I was advised by my Ayurvedic specialist like to journal before I go to bed, to get all the stuff out so I'm not thinking about it with anxiety and then not sleeping. Interesting and that, yeah, that can be helpful, too. Have
Andrea Enright 10:16
you been doing that sometimes, if I feel like I'm really, like, stacked and, you know, just my mind's swirling. And I think you mentioned, though too, that if you're going to vent, you need to discern who to do it with. Yes,
Janelle Orion 10:30
I agree, because making sure that they can hold it and do they have the capacity to hold Yeah, right. Where are they at? So asking them yes is part of that process. Hey, this shitty thing happened to me today. Do you have time for me to just talk about it? Do you have the capacity? Yeah, about it? Yeah, she's great, is one thing. But also recognizing, if i is about somebody else, that it's really not about the other person, it's still something in me that I'm expressing, right? Like, if I'm activated, like it's, you know, you and I talk about a lot about trying not, not to blame someone else, if so we are blaming someone else. And ultimately, it's still a mirror to ourselves. And so if it's we're talking about, if I'm vending with someone else, can I notice? Am I putting myself into a victim state? Yeah. And do I just want the other person who I'm venting to to agree with me, to make somehow, yeah, me feel better. And two, two things come up for me there. One is that, you know that Triple H like asking, Okay, do
Andrea Enright 11:30
you need heard, helped, or hugged? Right? Like, what is the response you're looking for here of the person who's venting? And then Liz Gilbert in the recent interview with with Tim Ferriss, which I keep referencing, because it keeps coming up in different ways. She said she's like, No, I've been celibate and single for five years, and I just find that when I'm alone, there's no one else to blame except me, and I just had she just has this habit of doing that right. And so there's something interesting to like, Oh, she's not. She's probably not venting to anyone, right on a regular basis, right? Right? So something to think about, okay, so preferences, yeah, I do want to dig into Preferences and likes. So I think you're, yeah, go ahead.
Janelle Orion 12:19
Well, as I mentioned, like, I used to talk a lot, and now I think I talk much less, and I sit in silence, listening a lot more. And I think part of the reason why that happened is because I have removed a lot of the surface level topics from my conversation about what I like and don't like, which was the primary way that I approached the world, what I valued and what I shared about, yeah, I
Andrea Enright 12:48
mean, there's somehow, like, these preferences. I feel like I've been, I was just trained that these preferences are, like, part of our personality. It's like a dating profile. It's like, what do you like, what do you not like? And I think I get caught up in that. It's sort of, it's fun for me to think about. It's like, Oh, I like this. I like that. You're,
Janelle Orion 13:04
I'm gonna jump in right here. Because what I think, the hesitation about, about it, for me now, is, guess it's possible we're gonna like something for our entire lives, right? Like, I think you're gonna be a die hard 80s music 90s music fan,
yeah, forever, right?
But like, does that mean, like, oh, you can only listen to 80s music or 90s music, right? Or can you listen to something else? And so I think wonders are saying, Oh, here's what I like and don't like. Put us into a box of not being able to be outside of it,
Andrea Enright 13:36
yeah, I don't really get that. Like, I'm just like, No, this is what I'm this is what I love, like, and it might change tomorrow, but like, in this moment, this is what I love right now. So, yeah, I don't feel like it puts me in a box, but I think there's some kind of cult of personality around it that feels icky at some point, like, like I'm a person who likes her eggs this way, like I'm somebody who did it right? It's sort of like, putting a label so I can, I feel that, not the box so much, but maybe, I suppose the permanence of that I
Janelle Orion 14:06
would that's maybe what I'm talking about, yeah, and then also maybe, if we're at dinner and you're ordering, here's how I like my eggs. But do we is that? Is that a conversation outside of that, that be? Maybe that's where, yeah, yeah. I think
Andrea Enright 14:24
we're saying preferences are on the surface a little bit. And I think you mentioned, like, how we're feeling during these things we love is the good stuff, like, how we're feeling in the moment. So, like,
Janelle Orion 14:34
when I it's so funny. So back to the music, right? When I think of you and like, yeah, here's the music that you like, what I actually vision for you is like, is like, I accept you do this right? Like, you're like, your head is shaking, you've got your energy, you're totally you're screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs. You're dancing, you're moving. And so how it makes you feel to me is why you like 80s Music. Like,
Andrea Enright 15:00
Okay, I agree. And I think we're getting down. We're getting down to it. Here I got a little lost for a while, but I'm like, Okay, so there's really, I think, for me, and like, there's nothing wrong with talking about what you like. And there was some reference with your ex husband about he was like, I don't really need to express my likes and dislikes. And I'm just like, okay, great for you. But I like doing that because I like talking and being passionate about things that I fucking love, and that's to me, that's okay. It's only when you're just like, I'm the kind of person who does this, and you're feeling very show offy or self righteous about it, that doesn't feel good to me. But otherwise, I guess I'm just not, I'm not convinced that I shouldn't talk about what I like and
Janelle Orion 15:38
I would. I'm I'm noticing in this moment, I feel like we are, we are referencing a conversation that happened probably 10 years ago, and so I'm not really quite comfortable with, like, oh, hanging our hat on what he said at that moment. Sure. So you wanna, like, pull away from that, okay? And yeah, like, what's alive for us? Like, how, like, what do we feel in this moment? Like, that feels more important and more relevant? Yeah, okay, got it? Okay. So
Andrea Enright 16:03
let's talk about out loud processing. When is it okay and not okay to be an out loud processor
Janelle Orion 16:08
again? It's back. Comes back to discernment. I know that listening to myself talk about a situation I can hear often, the solution as I'm talking, yeah, it's like, the person doesn't even necessarily have to respond. It's very beneficial to me to hear myself same.
Andrea Enright 16:28
I mean, it's so true, like, it's almost like permission. Sometimes I think I need to purge all that external processing just to get it out. And then I listen to myself saying it, and it's super helpful. Sometimes I do need that response too. And someone to be like, Oh, I see, like, just getting that thing back,
Janelle Orion 16:45
right is helpful well, and we've, we've talked about this with your husband, right? Like, there's things that you're like, said to me, like, but you just respond the way I need you to respond. I'm like, and he doesn't, and it's like, oh, well, then that's a discernment piece. If you're going to the person who doesn't respond, I just like interact and engage in the conversation the way that you feel is necessary, then that's not the person to
Andrea Enright 17:09
be externally processing with, right? Yeah, I got it, you know, I
Janelle Orion 17:14
remember, you know, talking about husbands, right? That they're often our partners are the person who's home, and so that's who we're traveling with totally but I remember at some point towards the end of our marriage when my husband said to me, you know, I just need so much processing. It was exhausting for him. And I remember actually laughing out loud because I was like, Oh, I know I need a lot of processing, and I'm giving you 2% of my processing, and I'm processing with Andrea and with Sophie and with touch. The other 98% of my processing, it was still too much for him. It was still too much for him, and so recognizing that the difference in his capacity and what I needed was even greater than I had already discerned it, but it was even greater than I had, yeah, realized, yeah, so and, and no judgment, I think sometimes for trying to say, well, you should increase your capacity, then to hold me actually not the case. And so it was like on me to continue
Andrea Enright 18:27
to discern more. Okay, so then there's an example of and that's what I'm starting to wonder, if it's sometimes a bad habit, because when someone recently, I'm working with someone, and they say, oh, when are you available next week? And I'm starting with, well, I can't do Tuesday and Thursday because of she's like, Andrea, I don't need to know when you're not available. I'm asking when you are available. And I'm like, Hey, I'm processing I'm figuring it out, and I need to do that out loud. And she doesn't like that. And I'm just like, too bad, like, this is kind of how I am like, and so I'm not choosing to externally process with her. I'm externally processing a schedule. And so I have to choose either I'm going to try to change to sort of accommodate that, or just be like, I'm sorry, this is just kind of how I need to do it, to figure out what days, what days work for me.
Janelle Orion 19:20
So I'm curious, just out of curiosity, if you didn't say it out loud, if you just looked at your calendar in silence, would you get to I'm just curious, like, have you ever tried that? Yeah,
Andrea Enright 19:28
I'm sure I have many times, because I've had to, because I couldn't say it all, or whatever. It's definitely more needs for me to process it out loud. I know that. I'm sure I could do the internal processing if I wanted to. Yeah, but yeah, there's something in me that's just like, I'm not accusing of anything. I'm not, right? You're actually not, but it sounds doing anything to them,
Janelle Orion 19:46
right? What it sounds like is that you're not actually, doesn't even matter that they're on the car. They're not actually externally processing to them. You're just speaking out loud to yourself, and they can hear it exactly so. And way much what's happening, right?
Andrea Enright 20:01
I'm not saying to them, I can't. I'm like, oh, okay, this, okay, that. And this is something that's happened. I remember with my husband for a long time thinking I just like, as things come, I'm externally processing them, like figuring something out, and he's just doing it all inside, right? And he arrives at a sentence and says it, and meanwhile, he's like, potentially annoyed that I'm talking so much and I'm annoyed that I'm waiting so long for him to figure out what the answer is, right, right? Well,
Janelle Orion 20:29
I also think there's something for us right now, like with the term externally processing. Yeah, let's talk about this with brave hearts, because I think that there's something I think of external processing as it is a back and forth, like, Hey, I'm external processing volley, and I'm saying someone, I'm expecting someone to be on the other side, participating in that. Yeah, but what I'm hearing you say is that I don't know if there's a difference in this, right? Is that you actually don't need someone on the other side. You're just talking out loud, and you don't actually need them to respond, because your process, you're just figuring out your schedule in this example, right? And someone's just waiting for you to stop talking to make the decision. So is that different than external processing? Because you don't actually need the other person to be involved. Two
Andrea Enright 21:17
different forms of it, I would say one of them is just figuring something out. Another one is like, oh my gosh, all this happened to me. I have to figure out how to deal with my boyfriend or whatever. Those are just different situations. Yeah.
Janelle Orion 21:28
But what I So thinking back to my relationship, what I remember his reflection to me was he's like, I'm spending so much time listening to you. I don't know what I'm supposed to be listening to like you're saying so many words, and actually, yeah, more than half of them are not relevant, yeah, but I don't know they're not relevant to me because you're still talking to me, but you're actually kind of doing what you just described. Yeah. You're like, oh, figuring out your schedule, looking at me, or, like, in a conversation with me, but yet, you don't need me to do anything. And so I'm, he's like, I'm like, on alert trying to figure out what is being expected of me, and nothing's being expected me. But you're
Andrea Enright 22:09
still talking, yeah, I think it's important to say there's not really a right or wrong person in this No,
Janelle Orion 22:13
no, but, like, but, but this is part of the the tension on his end was he was like, I want to respond, and I can't tell what I'm supposed to be responding to. Yeah, that's true. And I
Andrea Enright 22:27
think there's a big difference too, between some people who like, let's just note this. We're getting into different territory, that there are some people who just talk continuously and there's no way I want to respond, but there's no space to respond. And I don't think just because you're externally processing doesn't mean you're doing that
Janelle Orion 22:46
right? That's just a bad listener. That's another Okay, so then you said something about human design. Yes, so human design is a modality that helps people understand how they make decisions, and there's four different types, and i One type is a reflector, which I am, and one of the qualities of my decision making process is the importance of talking to others so I can hear myself speak right? It's actually like within that characteristic of myself, okay? And as I'm listening to myself, I'm often getting my answers. But I also know that for big decisions, it can take me more than it's called the lunar cycle, but more than a month before the answer like lands in my system. Uh huh. So I have learned that this, this external processing, has a purpose for me, but that also I also have to give myself the spaciousness to know it's going to take a while before I can make a decision for you as a manifesting generator, right? The key is to respond. Is the term, and that means when you talk out loud to someone their questions of when they're like, they're asking you questions about what you just described, and in your response to those questions is how you get clarity? Yes, this makes total
Andrea Enright 24:10
sense, of course, which is why I cannot stand it when people do not ask me questions, right? It tells it like, to me, it's an indication it's like, oh, they don't care, and they're not curious, right?
Janelle Orion 24:20
But that so it's interesting because touch, who's also a generator, who has the same decision making, we've had conversations, and she said to me, and we, because we're very involved in in human design, where she was like, oh, I need more questions from you. So so, like, I wasn't because I'm a reflector. I often reflected back. But I wasn't asking her a question. I was like, This is what I heard. Yeah, it wasn't a question. So really, so for us to me and her, to feel more connected and cared for, if you will, by me, I have learned to ask her questions even when I don't have a question. That's like, part like percolating. I'm like, Oh, no. I need to ask her a question in order for her to feel seen by me in this moment and also to be in service of her decision making process. Yes, and this
Andrea Enright 25:08
is something I put on our leadership feedback, I want you to ask more questions. Did you see that? And then may is like, what do you mean? Questions about what? And I didn't know how to answer it. Yeah. I was like, I don't know, but I want yeah today questions to be asked of me. Oh, my God. Break hearts. We
Janelle Orion 25:24
just had breakthrough moment. Live That is so funny. Live information to be human. Janelle And Andrea just figure out a better way for to communicate. Yeah. Just
Andrea Enright 25:34
like, yeah. I'm just like, Oh, why is it that I need people to ask questions like, because this has been, this has come up many times. I mean, you're still really a good friend, like, and I know you reflect all the time, but, like, Yeah, I'm like, but you don't ask questions, and so I have to, so I'm conscious. It's sort of like a love language. I'm
Janelle Orion 25:50
like, Oh, it is I love language. So I'm with touch, and now I'll do it with you. Like, when she said that, I was like, Okay, great. Like, I'm happy to change my behavior, because I care that you feel connected like you right? It's just
Andrea Enright 26:01
about, it is about being, feeling connected, for sure. And I tend to ask questions, and some people don't need questions, and they don't want to be asked questions exactly. And so sometimes that's for me. I'm like, I don't like, I just needed to hear myself talk. I
Janelle Orion 26:13
don't need your questions, right?
Andrea Enright 26:15
Exactly, yeah. And I so want questions at home, and no one asked me a question. I don't
Janelle Orion 26:22
remember what your husband in Do you know what their human designs? No, I
Andrea Enright 26:26
don't. Oh my gosh. Okay, so that was huge out loud. Judgment is next, dissection of gossip versus non gossip. Yeah, I used to say, Oh, well, this isn't it feels like it's not gossip if it's not said in a mean spirited way. And I think that's a that's a great start at the definition, right? Like, I'm not trying to be mean to this person. I'm just like, oh, did you notice XYZ? But when we're judging someone out loud, I think it's worth questioning and saying, like, is this worth putting that energy into the air that's negative, that's talking about someone else when they're not here. And I think that's basically something that I don't want to spend a lot of time talking about anymore well. And so for me, the gossip is talking about someone who's not present, right? Versus, yes, correct, someone who's not present. And you said, like, you know, there's insecure energy coming up. Is that what it's about? Like, I don't think there has to be insecure energy coming up for someone to for us, for me, to be like, Hmm, I'm noticing this about so and so. Like, yeah, it does definitely come back to the spirit in which you share that, that observation. But yeah, I think,
Janelle Orion 27:36
I mean, I
Andrea Enright 27:38
think other pieces, is it something that you would say to them directly, right? That's probably the biggest question, totally, which is often how I frame it. Now, it's like, if I'm saying something, I'm like, yes, she knows that I feel this way, like I would say this to her, she needs to know this, right? That word, or like she does know this, correct? We've already talked about this, right, right? That does make it feel safe, I think. Mm, hmm. All
Janelle Orion 28:02
right. So the question is, what is it that we don't want to be talking about and telling boring stories? I don't want to be boring talking about things that don't substantially change the way I feel or move through the world, like, what's an example of that? So something that, you know, happened to me the other day was that my car died, and it was, you know, I mentioned, hey, this is what happened. But then I just went on with my day, right? And I didn't like, keep here's the update, here's how you take here's how much it's gonna cost. And it was just like, okay, that's what happened, yeah, yeah, and it's just not that interesting. So I didn't tell you about the till now, about the car, right? Our car quitting last week, right? Like, and the impact of it, right? What I heard in the story was that, like, oh, but it actually really impacts my life, exactly,
Andrea Enright 28:57
right? That's when I told you about it. Rather than being like, Oh, guess what happened today? This is terrible right now. Like, the reality
Janelle Orion 29:03
is, is that having being a one car family is really challenging for us, right, right? Whereas for me, being a one car family with because it's almost it has a car, like, is it? Oh, it didn't actually impact me that much, yeah, yeah. So the other thing is, not wanting to talk about, I really trying hard to stay in the present, but not talking about the future, anticipating what might happen, and also talking about the past, about things that can't change. And I think that especially with the with the futurizing Right, it can be so much energy can go towards, oh, but then this what if this happened? Then what if this happens? And what if this happens? And then what if none of it happens? And so much energy I feel like I would be I'm expending towards nothing in the end,
Andrea Enright 29:52
yeah, you're always telling me to stop futurizing Like you're always like, Yeah, but that hasn't happened yet. Andrea, but you don't know. Hmm. And I find, also find that I spent waste a lot of time planning. I mean, we have to plan a ton based on especially when you're a one car family, like, but like, if this happens, if this happens, if this happens, and we, like, it's in a week, and it's just like, now I do find that just a week feels so far off. I'm just like, Oh. Like, let's not even go there yet, and then, like, two other things happen, and then that thing doesn't even happen anymore, right? And so that's like, waste, like, and that's just for something happening in a week. But you're, you're also talking about, like, but what if I don't have any money for retirement? Like, that's the far futurizing as well,
Janelle Orion 30:36
yes, but they're both the same of, like, it's in the future. And it's not to say I'm like, Oh, don't ever plan, but it's the moment.
Andrea Enright 30:48
But she does plan a lot less than me, for example, right?
Janelle Orion 30:52
Like, I just trust, you know, like I as someone who you used to book my flights, you know, all the way up. I book my flights when I know my dates, yeah, versus booking my fights, because I think, oh my gosh, the prices are going to go up. So I should really be worried. I should figure out when I'm going to travel, because the prices are going to go up. And instead, I'm like, I'm going to book my fights when I know the dates, and I'm not even going to look at the fights until I know the dates. Now It'd be one thing if, like, it doesn't matter when I'm flying. And so I'm just like, so if the flight expense is the main thing, and I'm like, Okay, it's got to be sometime in the spring. Yeah, I want to pick and choose based on that. But instead, I'm like, No, I'm gonna My schedule is based on something else. It feels like it's an entire time of life, of life, like recounting what happened. When it's just like, oh, okay, that happened. And now what? Right now we're here, and now we're here, yeah, yes, yeah. And I think one of the big things, probably, like the overarching theme of this, is recognizing that our words are energy, like that everything is energy. And so for putting an intention into what it is that we're saying and how much energy we're putting into it like, if we're talking about the future into a way and in something that we cannot control, then that means we're taking energy away from the present and something we can Mm, hmm,
Andrea Enright 32:12
yeah. And I think this has bigger implications brave hearts in thinking about what is it that you spent an hour talking about with your girlfriend today? Is it a toxic relationship that you don't want anything to do with anymore? Is it the negativity that you don't want to focus on? Because as you talk about that stuff, it gains momentum and it gains juice, and it builds in your body and in your being, and that means you're holding space for it over and over and over again. And, I mean, this was an example, I think, that Janelle gave last week. And we're talking about this just talking about some guy that used to talk about in college, and you spent hours debating and deliberating and imagining the future and deciding what to what this guy was wearing and what he was doing, and who,
Janelle Orion 33:00
ultimately, my girlfriends and I would spend so much time talking about who he was gonna none of us were dating him, but when you get in touch with him, we were just curious about who he was gonna be dating. I mean, we loved him. He was such a dear friend. But when I think about how much time I spent talking about him, it's really
Andrea Enright 33:16
Yeah. So what do we want to be talking about? I want to be talking about my feelings. I definitely want to keep talking about my feelings. Ideas, faith, God, existence, art, music, personal growth, rituals, habits, human behavior. Articles, change the world, death, my health, just things that are impacting me in a significant way. I think yeah is the main and obviously, you know, we talk about lots of things on this podcast, like taboo topics, which we're always in favor of,
Janelle Orion 33:53
yes, yeah. And things that I want to be talking about are pleasure, freedom, joy, God, conditioning, yeah. Acceptance, kindness, community, letting go of form, creativity, consciousness, permission, permission, trust, and then teachers and experiences that changed or impacted me.
Andrea Enright 34:14
I feel like this is such a meta topic that impacts all of us all the time, and it really takes stepping back and be like, Wait a second. What are we talking about in the house every day, sometimes we're so on autopilot or default. We come in the house and we start talking about, like, and is that necessary? And you know, how can we notice it the next time you're talking about something that doesn't matter to you? Mm, hmm. You, Mm, hmm, or that isn't important, or that doesn't doesn't change how you feel, right?
Janelle Orion 34:47
And I would also say as like, as a favorite part, homework, right? Just notice at the moment, right? It doesn't not saying making change, like you have to have this list of things you don't want to talk about and do want to talk about, but just notice. What it is, how you're feeling and the energy you're expending when you're talking about certain topics, just start there. Yeah.
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Andrea Enright 35:34
So brave hearts. What do you want to be talking about and what do you not want to be talking about? I realized recently that I'm spending too much time talking about my flight delay and my health care issues and the way that my car didn't start this morning and the traffic on the way to the meeting, and that's not shit I want to give my energy to. And so we're debating, what should we be talking about?
Janelle Orion 35:57
So one of the fascinating things that I learned about human design, which is a modality that helps you understand how you make decisions. It does impact what we talk about and what we need back as far as this, out loud, processing goes for me as a reflector. I hear myself speak, and that is how I can almost get my own answer. I just I just need to hear myself, whereas for you as a generator, you can get figure out your decisions when someone asks you questions after you've shared out loud. So I just need to hear myself, and you need a question asked when you speak. And so just knowing that difference is really useful in what do we think about what we're talking about.
Andrea Enright 36:46
So I'm an out loud processor, and so is Janelle, and we've talked about this many times, right? You are too. And the issue is that, like, I need to process out loud sometimes and be talking to myself about making a decision or what's going on, or, like, what happened to me today, and I'm realizing that sometimes that's good for me. I feel better after unloading it. Sometimes it's not good for me, because it actually activates me again if something bad happened. And I'm also realizing to be more discerning about who I'm out loud processing to like, some people can hold it and some people are willing to hold it and others can't. Yes,
Janelle Orion 37:21
it's true. It's true. I remember with my husband when he was like, you process all the time. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I only am processing with you. I do know that I only process with you 5% of the time, processing 95% with all my other friends. And I was like, Oh, but I think you just earn more. Like, oh, you know. And it's not nothing wrong with how much his capacity was for that, just that I had to disagree better Exactly. Yeah.